This is a rush transcript from "The Five," February 14, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So, a North Carolina preschooler was forced to eat three chicken nuggets for lunch last month because the state employee told her the meal her mom had packed didn't meet government guidelines. The girl's turkey sandwich with banana chips and apple sauce missed the mark, so she was given an extra meal. They also billed the mom for the food because they can.
Anyhow, now, we got another war, this time it's on the brown bag. As the government assumes the feeding of your kid because clearly you can't be trusted, it eliminates crucial charm of childhood like the joy of watching your hangover mom using ketchup to make your PB&J. I never told her.
The grease spot at the bottom of your bag is the hot sun weaponizes the mayo worse than anthrax. And, of course, the fun of trading a Ho Ho for a Ding Dong. It has nothing to do with food. It's something we did in prison.
Anyway, I love this story for it reveals the absurdity of a government that justifies its life by controlling yours. If they prove your dangerous, they take over.
The real hypocrisy however resides among libs who scream, get the government out of bedrooms while remaining mum about this stuff. Maybe someone should stand behind them in bed and say, ah, I wouldn't do that if I were you, how fast would Bob Beckel vote for Ron Paul then?
Dana, I want to guess what kind of lunchbox you had as a child.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: OK.
GUTFELD: Strawberry shortcake.
PERINO: No. Too old.
GUTFELD: Really?
PERINO: I had Holly Hobbie.
GUTFELD: Holly Hobbie.
PERINO: And then, not too long ago I was at the eastern market, they have flea market on Sundays, I was walking by. And someone that sells antiques was selling a Holly Hobbie lunchbox. It would have been nice.
GUTFELD: Wow.
PERINO: That's the one with the thermos.
GUTFELD: Yes. Like I would know, I had three older sisters so I knew everything.
Andrea, did you have a bag or lunch pail?
ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: I started off with a snow white pink lunch pail and then I went to brown bags. I matured. This was just last month.
GUTFELD: Eric, did you have Ted Nugget live free or die, had holster?
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: I had a brown paper, not a holster.
(LAUGHTER)
GUTFELD: Not a holster. Yes, exactly.
BOLLING: No, I had brown paper bag. But I think if I had a choice at that age, I probably would have had Muppets.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TANTAROS: Really? Which Muppet?
PERINO: Like all of them?
BOLLING: Miss Piggy maybe.
PERINO: You're lying.
BOLLING: I'm lying.
GUTFELD: Bob, all this falls under the Department of Agriculture, isn't it time we just get rid of that department? Come on. They're going after people's sandwiches?
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: It's terrible.
GUTFELD: Giving them nuggets.
BECKEL: I used to make breakfast for my brother and sister and me and it was horrible.
(LAUGHTER)
PERINO: Do you make scrabble?
BECKEL: No. They finally had forced food in school. We had to eat every Friday because we're Catholics, in public school, in public school, we had to eat fish sticks, World War II frozen fish sticks. That's why I never eat fish because of that.
GUTFELD: I don't eat fish because of -- well, that, and other reasons but fish sticks.
BECKEL: Fish sticks, horrible.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BECKEL: Listen, the only think that I do question here is what do you do if someone is sent to school with a very -- with no lunch or very little lunch? Is there some way that you ought try to enhance that so they get a better nutrition?
GUTFELD: You have a lunch.
TANTAROS: Totally different though. Look at the lunch that was packed, right? A turkey sandwich, apples. This was a healthy lunch. This was lunch that my mom would pack, although this little girl didn't have little note. My mom and Dana's mom, we were discussing in the break, used to pack us note. Thanks, mom.
And they replace it with those chicken nuggets. I remember the chicken nugget day with buttered noodle, the grease on the plate from the chicken nuggets? I don't know if it's the healthier alternative.
PERINO: If you did an investigation, you might find that the state employee actually is a shareholder of the Perdue chicken farm.
GUTFELD: Big poultry.
PERINO: Could be. I mean, if you think about it, like why would you --
GUTFELD: Big nuggets.
PERINO: They don't like the turkeys, they just want the chickens.
BECKEL: They replaced this meal with the chicken nugget?
GUTFELD: No, what happened was they gave an extra meal to replace this one, so he is had two meals, but you only eat the nuggets from the second meal.
TANTAROS: What is healthier?
GUTFELD: I don't know.
TANTAROS: Someone tell me.
GUTFELD: I smell a Pulitzer, though. This is amazing reporting.
BOLLING: Get off my nuggets.
PERINO: For you or the one who wrote this?
GUTFELD: Yes, the person who wrote it.
BOLLING: Get off my nuggets.
GUTFELD: But it is incredible. It's incredible.
TANTAROS: Get off my nuggets.
GUTFELD: It almost feels like a parody of a story.
BOLLING: What is wrong?
BECKEL: I'm thinking about fish sticks, making me ill.
I don't -- look, I think the idea that this has gone way overboard. This is way overboard, no question about it. But does it change the situation, that there are kids who go to school who do not have nutritional meals. And somehow, that's got to be supplemented.
Now, if they don't believe it should be supplemented, you don't. But I happen to think that you do. These people carry it too far. They shouldn't.
But there has to be a mechanism in place for kids who don't nutritional to get them.
BOLLING: I'm pretty sure --
TANTAROS: They do.
BOLLING: -- every school in country has mechanism.
TANTAROS: Absolutely.
BECKEL: They do. That's good.
BOLLING: In fact, taxpayer dime, no less.
GUTFELD: By the way, I remember my teachers, they weren't that healthy. For a teacher to come over, I mean, they were -- maybe I should just leave it at that because they're watching "The Five."
All right.
BECKEL: My teacher smoked in glass.
GUTFELD: Really?
BECKE: Yes. It wasn't dope either. It was cigarettes.
PERINO: Open the window or not open the window?
BECKEL: No, didn't open the window, with the second hand smoke back there.
TANTAROS: What grade was this?
BECKEL: Third.
PERINO: Wow. They had ashtrays. Seriously, ashtrays on the desk.
GUTFELD: Those were the days.
All right. I got to move on.
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