This is a rush transcript from "The Five," December 22, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
(MUSIC)
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Make it stop.
(LAUGHTER)
GUTFELD: Welcome back to THE FIVE.
Finally, a political story that doesn't rhyme with payroll hazmat. The latest Atlantic magazine, Ari Garnick tells us about his 9-year-old son and how he asked the Republican candidates, quote, "If you were a superhero, who would you be and why?"
And the candidates' responses -- roll tape, roll-tapers.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIPS)
MITT ROMNEY, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: I grew up with Superman, so probably has to be Superman.
HERMAN CAIN, FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: Superman.
NEWT GINGRICH, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: I guess I would pick Superman.
GOV. RICK PERRY, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: There was one back in my day named Superman. And Superman came to save the United States.
(END VIDEO CLIPS)
GUTFELD: Now, all the candidates answered except for Ron Paul who said, "I don't know." I don't blame him. Seriously, kids can't vote, so who cares?
Anyway, by my count, most said Superman. This is not a normal gotcha question. It's more like one of those cute things that writers do with their cute kids to get a piece published in a famous magazine.
But it's definitely something you can't do with President Obama. Think about it -- how do you ask a superhero what kind of superhero he would be? That's like asking me, do you ever dream of being awesome? You can't dream of being awesome when you are already awesome, people.
Anyway, superheroes are known for saving people and pets, preventing disasters that they can see coming, you know, like the entitlement crisis or the housing bust, which makes me think that politicians are the exact opposite of superheroes.
But maybe that's the point -- celebrity or superhero status is a rotten way to pick a president. That's how we got what we got now.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: Yes.
GUTFELD: Yes. When all else fails go to Obama. That's what I'd say.
(LAUGHTER)
GUTFELD: Andrea, did that question help you decide who the better candidate was?
ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: Because they all show the same one? No. It made me not like any of them.
Are we that unoriginal in the GOP? Nobody can pick the Flash or anything like that?
GUTFELD: Yes. Well, if you pick the Flash, that has a different connotation and you might be visited by --
TANTAROS: That could have been Herman Cain, I guess you could say.
(LAUGHTER)
TANTAROS: Sorry. Sorry. Had to go there.
BECKEL: Whoa.
GUTFELD: Because he was quick-witted.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: It's like one of those campaign questions or campaign consultant questions that they said, when you're asked who your favorite Supreme Court justices --
GUTFELD: Yes.
PERINO: -- make sure you say these four things, got it? OK. And when you're ask what kind of superhero you want to be, you say Superman, got it?
GUTFELD: Got it.
PERINO: You probably would have.
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: You know, it took me -- first of all, I can't believe they all picked Superman. That is so unoriginal. Unbelievable.
It took me less than a second to pick up my superhero, Greg.
GUTFELD: I know.
BOLLING: You said it out, you said, if you could be one, here he is -- Ronald Reagan, the Gipper, the man who brought unemployment down and inflation down for five years.
PERINO: Are you going to wrap that up and give it to Bob for Christmas?
BECKEL: Don't do that.
GUTFELD: Bob, has Ron Paul lost the 9-year-old vote by not responding to that vote?
BECKEL: Ron Paul lost his mind at some point. Now I want to get all the cards and letters.
No, look, you got to say this about Ron Paul. He, first of all, didn't step in to that trap.
GUTFELD: Yes, smart.
BECKEL: Secondly, as more as everybody, we all jump on the guy. He continues to keep going and going and going. My point about all this -- people picked Superman. It's true, they all are Superman, but they never get out of the phone booth.
PERINO: I want to know why they didn't ask Michele Bachmann?
GUTFELD: Well, they said -- yes, she didn't get this. New Hampshire I think is where it was.
But it's a good point. I like the fact that Ron Paul didn't answer. I think that was refreshing.
BOLLING: Walk away in disgust?
GUTFELD: Ron Paul never walked anywhere without being in disgust. If you ever notice --
PERINO: He really walks fast.
GUTFELD: He walks very quickly. That's what doctors do.
Anyway, Andrea, who's -- if you could be a superhero, who would it be?
TANTAROS: I would pick Wonder Woman, because she has an invisible plane, a golden lasso, and great boots.
GUTFELD: Oh, I thought you were going to say something else.
Bob?
TANTAROS: Great boots.
GUTFELD: Boots.
BECKEL: My superhero is one Barack Obama.
(LAUGHTER)
TANTAROS: Oh, c'mon, Bob!
BECKEL: The biggest superhero we got.
GUTFELD: And by the way, like Superman he's not born in the United States.
BOLLING: Oh, my gosh!
(LAUGHTER)
(CROSSTALK)
BECKEL: But like Superman, he was born -- he has kryptonite. You know what I mean? He's going to use it to kick your ass.
(LAUGHTER)
GUTFELD: Just some good-natured humor.
PERINO: When all else fails, go to birther comment.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. Dana?
PERINO: Well, you know, I actually -- I struggled with this a little bit because there weren't that many women superheroes to look up to when I was a little one.
GUTFELD: Yes.
PERINO: I'm so big now.
But Bionic Woman, that was a great one. I had doll, like the Barbie doll thing and you could take apart her arm and you could see the electronics inside.
GUTFELD: Well, that's kind disturbing.
PERINO: I got Cat Woman. If I had to pick a modern day one, definitely Laura Croft because she looks great.
GUTFELD: Yes. But you know why, what's name of the Bionic Woman?
PERINO: Jamie --
GUTFELD: Jamie Sommers.
PERINO: I'm really bad at popular culture. And that really wasn't fair.
GUTFELD: I know.
(CROSSTALK)
PERINO: Do you see Dana, though -- can you see Dana doing running over the fence?
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
You know, they had bionic dog for a while, that never worked out because -- well, my I was going to make a joke. My pick, of course, was the Mighty Isis. If you were in my age, if you grew up in the `70s, it was a Saturday morning TV show. There she is.
The actress is Joanna Cameron. Don't know where she is. She was a teacher at a really groovy high school. It's like Room 222 meets Superman. And then she'd stop like drunk drivers and things.
BECKEL: She looks like a porn star.
TANTAROS: Which is exactly what you would do.
GUTFELD: Bob, everything looks like a porn star to you.
TANTAROS: Wait, wait, Greg, you would stop drunk drivers?
GUTFELD: No.
TANTAROS: Even after our holiday party last night?
GUTFELD: I walked!
BECKEL: You know, Greg is -- he's really the munchkins because he would be, can you imagine Greg on the yellow brick road? First of all, he'd be taller than --
PERINO: Ooh!
BECKEL: No. And he would actually burn the scare crow.
(LAUGHTER)
TANTAROS: You would be a hot superhero.
GUTFELD: Oh, yes, definitely.
TANTAROS: I picked superheroes for everybody. Want to see what I picked?
GUTFELD: Yes.
TANTAROS: OK. I think we have a graphic.
BOLLING: Oh, you pick this?
TANTAROS: I did. I pick them for everybody.
So, there is Dana on the end. I think Cat Woman because --
PERINO: I like dogs but I could -- dog woman probably would not look as good as that.
TANTAROS: No.
OK. So, then Bob, that's the best you've ever looked there, Robin.
Look at the abs of steel.
Eric, you're Batman.
BECKEL: I wouldn't Robin to his Batman.
(LAUGHTER)
TANTAROS: Greg, you are a sort of centaur hybrid unicorn thing.
GUTFELD: I'm OK with just being unicorn. Centaurs are terrible, terrible beasts. The unicorn I'm happy with.
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