This is a rush transcript from "The Five," November 9, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So, Tuesday, the Agriculture Department announced a 15 cent charge on Christmas trees. If you aren't aware of what the Agriculture Department does, don't worry. Neither do they.
Anyway, the charge would fund promotions to remind everyone how good Christmas trees are because, of course -- reputation has been suffering so much. Do you remember the great Christmas tree scandal of 2011? When all those trees tweeted naked photos of themselves to coeds across the country?
It was scandalous!
And who could forget in the '90s when the White House Christmas tree tried to seduce an intern in the Oval Office. He's been pining for her ever since.
And, of course, just yesterday, a Christmas tree swore during the 5:00 hour of a leading cable news show. Sorry, those weren't trees. Those were Democrats.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, just hours ago, the government has defended the fee. But then said they are going to put it off so there is nothing wrong with it. But they are no longer doing it.
Anyway, the fee is basically a cozy deal between industry and government, both deciding it's you that pay more. It's a bail-out but this time for Boston firs. Never mind the last thing needing P.R. help is a Christmas tree, except for the plastic one in my attic. I swear it looks at me funny, which is why President Obama must be impeached and I should get a pony.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: OK.
GUTFELD: Kimberly --
GUILFOYLE: I'm going to ignore this.
GUTFELD: I'm avoiding Eric because he has a problem. Make him sit through the whole thing and get to it last.
GUILFOYLE: Don't make eye contact.
GUTFELD: Yes, don't make eye contact. He's like a guy on a bus staring at you asking for money.
GUILFOYLE: Does that happen to you?
GUTFELD: Yes, it is Eric Bolling, which he invests at 7 percent.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: Look at his eyes. He really is like a crazy old lady walking down the street.
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: I'm like a crazy old lady? There it is.
GUILFOYLE: That is it.
BOLLING: Hello, pot, calling the kettle black.
GUTFELD: Let me get back to the war on Christmas.
GUILFOYLE: It is.
GUTFELD: Could this endanger President Obama second and perhaps third term?
GUILFOYLE: Well, its like Christmas tax delayed.
GUTFELD: It's not a tax, though.
GUILFOYLE: OK. You say potato. I say potato.
GUTFELD: And nobody says that.
GUILFOYLE: And guess what? Who cares? No one does say that.
Here's a deal. If you go and they charge 15 cents for people that are selling it, who's going to end up paying for it? Right?
GUTFELD: But it doesn't go to the government, right?
GUILFOYLE: That's what they say. They say it goes toward improving the marketing, the image of the Charlie Brown frustrated Christmas trees. Like this one that Eric Bolling has --
ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: Well, they compare it to the "Got Milk" commercial, "Got Milk" ad campaign.
If you said an ad campaign, that's like saying that Santa needs better P.R.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TANTAROS: Everybody knows Santa. Everyone loves Santa.
GUTFELD: I'll tell you, there are some Santas at certain shopping centers that do need better P.R.
BOLLING: And deodorant.
GUTFELD: And you know what I'm talking about. The guy, king of Russia, what you did --
(CROSSTALK)
BECKEL: What happened to Santa with the red, with the --
GUTFELD: That wasn't Santa. That was a guy from the village.
BECKEL: I want to say -- go ahead. I'm sorry.
I want to talk about atheists. Now, here's a group of people that might be more angry because it's the government getting involved in a religious holiday iconic image. Should they be mad that the government is getting in bed with Christmas?
BECKEL: I think they should get the ACLU and sue them. Listen, you know why this is happening?
GUTFELD: Why?
BECKEL: Because that thing in your attic, and this thing over here. I happened to be a Christmas fan. I decorated a lot. I use real Christmas trees. These disgustingly dirty, filthy artificial trees ought to be banned for life. And if we can use the 15 cents --
GUILFOYLE: That's not nice.
BECKEL: No, it is. They are terrible.
TANTAROS: Don't call Eric disgusting thing.
BOLLING: Look, Greg, you hit the nail on the head, this is the atheist war on -- this is a war on Christmas.
GUTFELD: No, I think the atheists would be against this, you know what I'm saying?
BOLLING: Because they're against the tax?
TANTAROS: This is picking winners and losers.
BOLLING: But it goes on. This is the season, by the way --
GUTFELD: You are drawing me in a weird world, Eric.
BOLLING: As soon as Halloween ends you can't put a Christmas tree in the hallway. You have to put this, that, the other thing. You have can't sing these Christmas songs in a public place, in a state building. Give me a break.
BECKEL: Does your family say anything when you come back from these shows, these hats?
(CROSSTALK)
BECKEL: I bet your dog is the only one who talks to you when you come home from these things.
TANTAROS: You are going on vacation, right?
BECKEL: Well-deserved.
GUILFOYLE: You're losing it. And especially, the sequin, so Diana Ross.
BOLING: Kimberly so much wants to be wearing --
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: What I love about this -- Kimberly, back here to planet earth. We are talking about Christmas.
OK. Here is a thing I find interesting. What Democrats love fees, they use them as punishment and incentive. So, smoking is bad. Tax it.
Christmas tree is good. Tax it.
GUILFOYLE: I am fine with taxing Christmas trees and I --
GUTFELD: Because you don't smoke.
GUILFOYLE: Right.
BECKEL: We are --
GUILFOYLE: Children love Christmas trees.
BECKEL: We are standing up for the traditional Christmas.
GUILFOYLE: We are.
BECKEL: And we want real Christmas trees.
TANTAROS: Let people can decide what kind of trees they want to buy, Bob. What does President Obama need to get involved in this?
BECKEL: This is my government. And we're going to decide what you do.
TANTAROS: This is him not calling a World Series winners. It's one of these thing he seems so out of touch, that people go c'mon, get with it, dude!
GUTFELD: Clearly, only a Muslim interloper would tax a tree.
(CROSSTALK)
BECKEL: Do they have Christmas trees in Greece? Or they're out of trees?
GUTFELD: I got to go. By the way, that was a joke, people.
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