Dennis Miller on GOP Presidential Debate, Obama in Puerto Rico

Funnyman gives his take on GOP presidential debate


This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," June 15, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: three hot topics for you, beginning with the D-man's reaction to the Republican debate this week. The sage of Southern California joins us now from Los Angeles. Miller, the country needs your insights here. Did you learn anything, anything at all from the debate?

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, I learned that -- I tried to not TiVo it, but I forgot how to not TiVo something, so I ended up having it and I watched a little.

First off, I would say I don't get CNN's approach. I didn't get John King grunting like that. He grunted more than a stuttering caveman. And then when he starts playing those stupid questions that you were showing earlier, I just wanted him to say, "How's about this one? CNN or no TV in your house? CNN or no TV in your house?" Because that would have been an easy one to ask.

O'REILLY: How about or Fox News? That would have been a good one, huh? It's like Johnny Cash and Elvis.

MILLER: They don't want to mention Fox. Roger is so far in their kitchen he causes King to stutter.

O'REILLY: All right. So you didn't learn really -- I didn't learn much there.

MILLER: Well, listen, I think that Romney, a lot of people say he looks presidential. I think he looks like a long-tenured well-paid local newscaster. But he probably could do that job.

Ron Paul, George, Ringo, I don't know. I kind of like him in a way because he's so daffy. But this whole "let's just lay back in the tub and take a Calgon bath and let the world go to hell in a hand basket," I don't think is going to work.

I wish Chris Christie was there. If you're going to have somebody driving the bus, why not get the guy who looks like Ralph Kramden?

I think Michele Bachmann is a good dame, and I think she did a good job that night. And I also want to thank Governor Palin for taking some of the hatred off Bachmann because, quite frankly, they're not going to be able to weight in on the next square Republican woman like they did on Palin without them starting to establish an MO, which I haven't forgotten about, Billy.

O'REILLY: If Michele Bachmann gets traction they will go after her, even though, you know, her private life is stellar with all the adopted children. Believe me, they will.

But you're right: If they start that, and then with the history of Sarah Palin, what they did to her, the persecution there, you know, it's going to get pretty nasty.

MILLER: Yes, Billy, I was just thinking about Palin the other night.

O'REILLY: Go ahead.

MILLER: Yes. I was just thinking of Palin the other night. I was thinking I don't know if she's my president, but I do know this: The dame has put up with more than anybody in this culture in the last two years. And I have to say thank you, Sarah Palin. I don't even know if you're running. But you took some heat off everybody else.

And you're right, Bill. I guess when they get the next person in the crosshair, they're going to get the same treatment. But up to this point, Palin has laid down some nice covering fire.

O'REILLY: Yes, she has.

OK, President Obama spends five hours in Puerto Rico. Not enough time to go snorkeling, but he's there. And everybody goes why and really nobody knows. But Miller does. Why was he there?

MILLER: Well, it was a really warm welcome, and then they just realized they had lit our flag on fire. Some of the pain-in-the-asstistas down there decided to light our flag on fire. And I'm so sick of this crap. Yes, let's have these people join -- join the show over here after they do this.

And you know why -- you know why Barack digs it down there? Because the Puerto Rican flag reminds him of the way he wishes the American flag looked. We got a picture? Right there. No 50 stars, no 50 states. One big fed star and then the stripes. That's how Barack Obama sees the American flag. No wonder he's comfy down there.

O'REILLY: Now, obviously there to get the Hispanic-American attention, because he needs those votes. Everybody knows that the precincts of Hispanic-Americans are going to very important in the upcoming election. But there really wasn't any reason for him to go down there. You know, we're trying to search for a reason. If he wanted to go down for vacation that would be one thing. Beautiful beaches down there, nice climate, taking a little dip in the Caribbean. But he didn't do that. He just went there and, you know, I guess it signals the campaign is on for Barack Obama, and governing the country really, you know, if I get around to it. That's what bothered me about it a little bit.

MILLER: Well, the thing -- the people in Puerto Rico probably hear reports from a lot of their loved ones. They think they're 850,000 Puerto Ricans in the state of Florida. And I would remind the people of Puerto Rico, Florida is nothing like Barack Obama's America. They got a zero percent state income tax down there. They're still pushing entrepreneurship. They've got Marco Rubio on board. This is a different country that you're going to get if you vote for this guy over here. It's nothing like Florida. This is you make it up to here, then we take it and we give it back to you in the form we want to give it back to you. Florida still uses its head. There's around five other states that use their head. The rest of us, we're not using our head because of the guy who's in charge right now.

O'REILLY: All right. And finally, Montel Williams, our pal, former talk show host, and he likes marijuana. And he's getting into the pot business, medical marijuana. I see franchises here. Don't you? Don't you see Montel franchising the pot shops around the country?

MILLER: Yes, I do. I've got a name. I've got a name for him and a theme song for him, Billy.

O'REILLY: I knew you would.

MILLER: (Singing) Welcome to the Montel California.

You know what? Montel smokes dope because he has multiple sclerosis. That's one thing. That's fine.

It's when a kid comes to me and I go, "What's your diagnosis, pal?" And he says, "I'm fat and I'm bored." That's when they start writing scripts for that kid. That's what bothers me.

And if Montel is getting into it and he has multiple sclerosis, I don't know. I think he's done some nice work with drug programs for people who don't have enough money. I kind of like Montel Williams. I'm sure there's some history that I don't know about, but all in all, he seems like a decent guy. I think Willie Nelson ought to get off the canna-bus and get into a big, big carton store type thing.

O'REILLY: This is how I envision it, Miller: Burger King vs. McDonald's; Nelson vs. Williams. Franchises all over the place. "Have it your way. We're open 24 hours."

MILLER: But Montel is going to have the boutique store, the mom and pop shop, and Willie will have the huge 50,000-square-foot carton store called Will-mart. You just walk around one big grow light.

O'REILLY: I can see it. In five years it's going to be think outside the bun. Yes. Dennis Miller, everybody.

Just a reminder: Tickets for the Miller/O'Reilly "Bolder Fresher" show at Westbury, Long Island, August 20, going fast. Make a great Father's Day gift. Details and a link to the box office on

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