Larry the Cable Guy on 'Hannity'

This is a rush transcript from "Hannity," March 9, 2009. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

SEAN HANNITY, HOST: All right. I'm confident my next guest is the most famous cable guy in all the world, and he's the subject of a Comedy Central roast that will premier this Sunday night, March 15, at 10 p.m. Take a look.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Of course, I first discovered Larry the Cable Guy when he was part of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Do you guys remember that? Yes. Why did you guys break up? Uncreative differences? Larry, I've seen your act. You are he-awful. My real cable guy, Donald, is funnier than you.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

HANNITY: Oh, ouch. Larry the Cable Guy, git-r-done!

DANIEL LAWRENCE "LARRY THE CABLE GUY" WHITNEY, COMEDIAN: Git-r-done. Everything's good. I'm doing all right.

HANNITY: You're doing good?

WHITNEY: I'm doing good.

HANNITY: Everything's good with the family, the wife and kids?

WHITNEY: Everything's good. My wife, I've divorced her and put the kids on eBay, so life's good.

HANNITY: You get a good price, a lot of bidding?

WHITNEY: Yes, it's pretty good. Not bad. I got a lawn mower for her. So that's really nice. I got to tell you, I'm in the deli, and I get a sandwich, and I hear, "Will that be all?" I look up, it's Colmes. I'm like what happened?

HANNITY: He's your friend.

WHITNEY: I'm just kidding. He knows I love him. I'm just kidding. He's pretty good. He does a good job down there.

HANNITY: Now, what about — you sound like the woman who called 911. She didn't get any mcnuggets. Did you hear about it?

WHITNEY: Man, can you believe that people are that crazy? And if people didn't hear that a woman called 911 because they ran out of chicken mcnuggets. I mean, what a waste of services in this country. Everybody knows you don't dial 911 until you accidentally eat a mcnugget. That's ridiculous.

HANNITY: It's ridiculous. Now, we’ve got a new president. I’m going to drag you into the political world.

WHITNEY: You always do this to me, Sean. You know in my shows I try to remain — you know...

HANNITY: Neutral.

WHITNEY: Everybody knows how I am. I'm a Reagan fan, the whole deal.

HANNITY: You named your daughter Reagan.

WHITNEY: I did. You know, on my shows, I try to figure people are sick and tired of politics. That's why they come on my show to laugh and get away from it all, but yes, let’s talk about that.

HANNITY: What do you think — that said, what do you think of the new president?

WHITNEY: Well, you know, we swore him in two months ago, and people are still swearing.

HANNITY: And they're broke, too, at the same time.

WHITNEY: I'm telling you what. I remember when he had his inauguration: $28,000 a plate. Did I do this joke on your show already?

HANNITY: No, you did not.

WHITNEY: Twenty-eight-thousand dollars a plate when he was running for a fund-raiser. Barbara Streisand was the entertainment. You're thinking for 28 grand you'd want people to keep their food down. You know what I mean? That's all I'm saying.

HANNITY: What are your — look, for example, now we’re in this redistribution...

WHITNEY: Always trying to get me in trouble, Sean. I come in here, try to do funny one-liners. But no, ahead with the politics...

HANNITY: You’re coming up in the world. This is a gold fishing hook.

WHITNEY: Well, I don't want to brag, but we did scrape together some cash this year, and we were able to upgrade on our hooks.

HANNITY: Got better hooks.

WHITNEY: And this shirt I got at Wal-Mart.

HANNITY: You've lost weight, Nutrisystem.

WHITNEY: Well, you darn right I did, 50 pounds. But I get my shirts at Wal-Mart, because I'm a medium at Wal-Mart.

HANNITY: You're a medium now?

WHITNEY: Well, they've got some big shirts at Wal-Mart. The baby department has a husky section.

But no, I did. I lost 50 pounds, kept it off. I've been working out, so I'm getting bigger up in here and feeling good.

HANNITY: All right, let me ask you about redistribution and Obama...

WHITNEY: I've got to go to the toilet...

HANNITY: Did you hear about this Octomom?

WHITNEY: I figured out what causes global warming.

HANNITY: Al Gore?

WHITNEY: No, the...

HANNITY: Hot air?

WHITNEY: ... the chili cheese dogs at Wienerschnitzel. You may want to slide that way.

HANNITY: No, you're doing fine. You heard about Octomom.

WHITNEY: The Octomom.

HANNITY: So, the woman doesn't have a job. She has six other kids. She doesn't have a husband. Three-bedroom home that's her parents. And I’m thinking, that's what Obama wanted, redistribution.

WHITNEY: It is. And it's my sister. And I'm disappointed in her.

You know, that reminds me of a nursery rhyme, this woman.

HANNITY: It does?

WHITNEY: When I was little, I can't — I'm trying to remember. There was an old woman that lived in a shoe. She had six kids so what did she do? So she had eight more, now she's got Obama to make us all support that — you know the last word. Can I say that last word?

HANNITY: No. No, no, no.

WHITNEY: He goes like this, "Ohh." And before we went on, "Hey, do that joke. I'll bleep it out." See how I get thrown under the bus?

HANNITY: You didn't get thrown under the bus. Well, speaking of Al Gore, global warming.

WHITNEY: Let me just say something.

HANNITY: Yes.

WHITNEY: OK. I know I'm on here to be funny, but I'm getting irritated with this. Every time that dude does a — you know, every time that dude does a press conference, nobody's allowed in there, so you can't — but when somebody actually sneaks in and asks him a question, "I'm not answering that. The debate is over." It's ridiculous.

I mean, how come Al Gore never answers about the ice age. What melted the ice? What, did dinosaurs drive in Land Rovers back then? Does that make any sense to you?

HANNITY: No, it doesn’t. I'd go after him every night.

WHITNEY: Well, I wish they'd — well, keep doing it.

HANNITY: I'm trying to keep doing it. I'm doing my job. Your job is to keep me laugh and keep me sane, because we’re broke now.

WHITNEY: He makes me madder than a hunchback in a limbo contest.

HANNITY: Oh, gee.

WHITNEY: Al Gore.

HANNITY: Yes, have you ever met him? You live in Tennessee.

WHITNEY: No, I live in Florida.

HANNITY: That's right.

WHITNEY: I live in Florida seven months a year and Nebraska five months a year.

HANNITY: Yes. And so tell me a little bit about this TV — you got roasted, I hear, pretty bad.

WHITNEY: You know what? I did get roasted real bad. But before I get into that, Al Gore's a phony. But yes, I did. You know what? I've got to tell you, though, the roasts are a blast. Don't let the kids watch the roast. Because it — a roast is a roast.

HANNITY: Toby Keith, he's a buddy of yours.

WHITNEY: Toby was there. Toby did a good job, and there's Gary Busey. And I thought he was going to make everybody really uncomfortable like he normally does, but he didn't. He was really good.

HANNITY: Yes?

WHITNEY: And...

HANNITY: Jeff Foxworthy.

WHITNEY: Foxworthy was there, once again, you know, weaseling in on all my stuff.

And, you know, the thing that stunk was Engvall, my good friend, Bill Engvall, part of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, sent a tape in.

HANNITY: That was it?

WHITNEY: He sent a tape in. And I can understand why. He only lives five blocks away from the roast, you know? So I can't believe that. But Bill puts the "un" in funny. But listen — just kidding, Bill.

It's a roast. I'm roasting him back. The roast is hilarious. It really is funny, and everybody — and believe it or not, Marcia Brady, Maureen McGovern...

HANNITY: She was there?

WHITNEY: McCormick. Sorry. I keep thinking Maureen McGovern for some reason. Maureen McCormick was — she was hilarious.

HANNITY: Really?

WHITNEY: She roasted me as Marcia Brady, which was hilarious, you know? And so everybody that was on it was a friend of mine. There was nobody on there who didn't know me that was taking shots that didn't have any clue what I did. Everybody there I'd either worked with. Everybody I've known at some point.

HANNITY: And it's going to be on this weekend — well, Sunday, March 15 at 10 p.m.

WHITNEY: Yes, Sunday, I hope people watch it. Like I said, they're roasting Larry the Cable Guy. They're not roasting Nader (ph). All right? They're roasting Larry the Cable Guy.

HANNITY: I can't let my kids watch.

WHITNEY: Well, how old are they?

HANNITY: Ten and 7.

WHITNEY: Probably not. I've got to tell you, Sean, probably not. And can I complain about something else?

HANNITY: Yes, go ahead.

WHITNEY: You know, my movies always come out. Everybody talks about how bad my movies are.

HANNITY: I like your movies.

WHITNEY: They're awesome. People love them, but I get nominated every year for a Razzie. I want to win a Razzie.

HANNITY: You haven’t gotten it yet?

WHITNEY: I got nominated again. This is my fourth Razzie nomination, and once again, I don't even get credit for sucking. All right? It's ridiculous.

Al Pacino — I suck worse than he did.

HANNITY: And he won?

WHITNEY: Yes. You would think they'd give to it me.

HANNITY: Who’s Al Pacino?

WHITNEY: Evidently, I must be a better actor than I think I am.

HANNITY: Larry, good to see you.

WHITNEY: Sean, it's always good to see you. And I can't believe you don't wear pants behind the desk. That's amazing.

HANNITY: I've got pants. I've got jeans on. I don't wear suit pants.

WHITNEY: I'm sorry. That was me.

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