This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," March 10, 2010. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
Watch "The O'Reilly Factor" weeknights at 8 p.m. and 11 p.m. ET!
BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: The D-man has been watching the antics of Congressman Eric Massa. All I can say is this in Miller's wheelhouse or what? The stage of Southern California, he joins us now from Los Angeles.
You know, Miller, this is just too easy. Just pass. It's too easy here.
Click here to watch Miller Time!
DENNIS MILLER, RADIO TALK SHOW HOST: I'm not saying he is fireman calendar on the refrigerator gay but the guy is a little quirky, Bill. I mean, how many times have you and I been in the same studio over the year, 20? And how many times have we laid hands on each other's DMZ? Six, seven max. It's been a little bit of a track record here with the guy. I think you got — I think he got caught with his hands on the cookie jar and I don't mean the ceramic one, I mean one of his senior aides Cookster Jr. Iii (ph) of the — Cookster Jars.
O'REILLY: But does it really matter, Miller? The guy is toast. He is gone. He is out.
MILLER: Yes.
O'REILLY: And now, you know…
MILLER: He is about to be gossip more than the Black Dahlia that was gossiped about. And the reason that I think he voted no on Obamacare bills, he found out they would not finance twice-daily prostate examinations.
O'REILLY: Oh man, Miller, Miller. See, I knew it, I did give the viewers a warning. I told you to hide the children.
MILLER: It's a health care issue.
O'REILLY: I know.
MILLER: It's a health care issue.
O'REILLY: Certainly is. What did you think about him going after…
(LAUGHTER)
O'REILLY: What did you think about him going after the White House?
(CROSSTALK)
O'REILLY: Blaming Obama…
MILLER: Look, who is twitching now? Look, who is twitching now?
O'REILLY: Who is twitching? I'm not twitching, Miller. I'm absolutely in control of this broadcast. I knew you were going to take it somewhere in a dark place.
MILLER: No, no. I'm saying I'm twitching, I'm twitching. I look like Pelosi on a quad latte.
O'REILLY: All right. What did you think about him bringing in Obama and blaming the White House for his tickle me Elmo moment?
(LAUGHTER)
MILLER: Is that what you are calling it?
O'REILLY: You are not the only one with the lines. I'm trying to keep them clean here.
(LAUGHTER)
MILLER: Listen, Obama is the straw man here. This guy got caught out. I guess he is having aides over and he is frisking them and he is in trouble. Hey, look (INAUDIBLE)
O'REILLY: He can get a job at the airport now. All right.
(LAUGHTER)
MILLER: For a front pickpocket. A pickpocket from the front.
(LAUGHTER)
O'REILLY: I can't imagine, you know, the demonstrations in front of this building tomorrow are going to be endless.
MILLER: Can we go to topic two?
O'REILLY: All right.
MILLER: Can we go to topic two?
O'REILLY: Yes. I desperately want to get there. Immigration. Now, last night we talked with Lou Dobbs about a national ID tamperproof card, all right? They would give it to you. Everybody would know who is an American citizen entitled to work here. But the government could track your every moment. So, they would know what Congressman Massa was doing every moment of the day. What do you say?
(LAUGHTER)
MILLER: Well, sure, we could give the card out instead of just doing what we — we got bigger holes in our border than the colander in Michael Moore's kitchen. But if we are going to let these guys in, yes, I like the, you know, the Mexicans must think this is so funny they can walk through the border then when they get here legally if they want health care they can't go across state lines. We have no idea what we're doing. But if we're not going to give the cards out, I say we put Massa down there in Tijuana and let him frisk everybody coming in.
O'REILLY: That would discourage it, that's for sure. The lines would be shorter.
MILLER: There you go.
O'REILLY: This is serious. Do you worry about your privacy with the national ID card with DNA built into the card so it is tamperproof? Do you worry about — is that a concern for Dennis Miller? The privacy issue?
MILLER: No. We got to do something, Bill. I mean, come on. I have the same Social Security card I got when I was 14. You know, it's tattered, it's frayed, it's yellowed. It's almost like a memorabilia piece. I like the idea of a state of the art card. We got to do something for God sakes. And we're not just going to back up and force our border, yes, this sounds like the next best thing today.
O'REILLY: OK. Did you watch the Oscar telecast, all 18-and-a-half hours of it? Did you see it all?
MILLER: Yes, I did.
O'REILLY: OK.
MILLER: Yes, I loved it.
O'REILLY: No. 1, my newspaper column this week is the first time in history, no political humor.
MILLER: Yes.
O'REILLY: All the bomb-throwers lined up: Sean Penn, Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand and all that. Silence of the lambs. Nothing. What happened?
MILLER: Well, I think they realized they were about to jump the shark on commerce, Bill. You can only come out with eight films that are anti our involvement in Iraq in a row and have them totally make around $50 million before somebody out there — and it is a city that runs on commerce — says, hey, let's make the pro-troop one, all right? And I know there were a couple troops thought they were depicted as cowboys. They are granted, they are big boys, they can make their judgments. But, I'm just saying, I was glad that the pro-troop movie "The Hurt Locker"…
(CROSSTALK)
O'REILLY: Were you surprised that they didn't throw any political lines out there? I mean, I'm waiting. We had our pen and pad. Nothing. Zero.
MILLER: No. Not at all. Because there is expressing your opinion in Hollywood, and then there is the bottom line. And I think somebody hit them on the grapevine that the bottom line was going to start to suffer eventually if they didn't get off the — you know, what most mainstream America believes in.
O'REILLY: OK. You know, I agree with you. I think that the agents and the managers of these people have said listen, the business is tough. The paychecks are shrinking. If you are going to alienate — 40 percent of Americans call themselves conservative, that's not good marketing, so shut up. And they all did.
Now, Farrah Fawcett not mentioned in the montage of people who are deceased, and a lot of people upset about it. You got a feeling on it?
MILLER: I have two minds on this. She seems — I didn't know Farrah Fawcett. She certainly could have been mentioned in any clip, but, Bill, let's face the facts. It's too pressure side here. Once I'm dead around a tenth of a second, if my kids remember me as a good guy and my wife remembers me as a good husband, I don't care what montage you put me in with Michael Jackson nor should her family. Ryan O'Neal stunned. Hey, pal, why weren't you stunned at your own ineffectiveness as a parent? Why don't you wake up and quit worrying about crap like this. Live a better life. Hollywood is grave. Once you get into show business, you are lucky if they forget you in a clip montage. Life gets rougher than that. Anybody watching Haiti out there? Anybody watching Chile out there? Anybody watching Eric Massa's life go to hell out there? It gets worse.
O'REILLY: All right. Dennis Miller, everybody. And always appreciated, Dennis. Thank you.
Content and Programming Copyright 2010 Fox News Network, Inc. Copyright 2010 Roll Call, Inc. All materials herein are protected by United States copyright law and may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, displayed, published or broadcast without the prior written permission of Roll Call. You may not alter or remove any trademark, copyright or other notice from copies of the content.
Get all the stories you need-to-know from the most powerful name in news delivered first thing every morning to your inbox