There's always a scene in zombie movies when one non-zombie character will turn to another, and say: "If I ever turn into that, I want you to kill me." Then they make love and reload.
Well, I want you, dear viewer, to make the same promise to me. Except instead of killing me when I become a zombie, I want you to kill me if I ever turn into Dylan Ratigan.
I am not joking. If you see symptoms of me frothing, twitching or ranting until my eyeballs pop out and roll across the floor, I want you to hack me to pieces with a hatchet. Try to make it quick.
See, there is a reason why no one should ever be Ratigan, the MSNBC daytime host: He has a hard time, being himself. Check him out interviewing a Tea Party leader, Mark Williams, as if Williams himself ran a concentration camp in the 1940s:
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DYLAN RATIGAN, MSNBC HOST: Mark, how do you draw the bright line between the very admirable and understandable principles that are advocated by so many in the Tea Party as it pertains to a Constitutional definition of a democracy, separation of things like banking and investing, church and — I mean, you go to all these things, and those who would choose a more radicalized view or racist view and hide, if you will, inside of the Tea Party umbrella?
MARK WILLIAMS, TEA PARTY EXPRESS: Well, that's real simple. There's wing-nuts and there's normal people...
(CROSSTALK)
RATIGAN: It's not that simple because when wing-nuts go to other political organizations and say, "I want to kill black people, I want to kill Jews," whatever it may be, the organizer — for instance, if I was holding a Dylan Ratigan event and a bunch of people held up signs saying they wanted to kill blacks and Jews, I would say, "Would you kindly remove yourself."
(END VIDEO CLIP)
He kept going from there and you'd assume he'd let the guy answer. Nope:
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WILLIAMS: So that's our fault they're nuts?
(CROSSTALK)
RATIGAN: No, no. It's your fault...
(CROSSTALK)
RATIGAN: You shame them, Mark. It is your fault that unlike the Democrats or the Republicans or any other political group — so you're saying you accept racists and Nazis, is that what you're saying?
(CROSSTALK)
RATIGAN: Do you accept racists and Nazis in the Tea Party?
WILLIAMS: Here in Sacramento at the NBC local news affiliate...
(CROSSTALK)
RATIGAN: Do you... Mark, I'm asking you a question, my man. Do you want to have a conversation with me or did you just want to come on my TV show and do a commercial for yourself?
WILLIAMS: I'm answering the question.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
Is Williams ever able to respond? Not really. Watch the last, glorious part, here:
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WILLIAMS: We have a woman here on a local MSNBC affiliate, who after an anti-Semitic rant at Sac State was promoted from reporter to anchor. Does that make NBC, does that make you an anti-Semitic organization?
RATIGAN: Hey Mark, do I run NBC? Are you a guest on my show?
(CROSSTALK)
RATIGAN: Do you have any intention of answering any of my questions?
(CROSSTALK)
RATIGAN: Let me ask you a question, Mark, because I don't want to continue with this. You're wasting valuable oxygen. Can we please cut off this man's microphone? He has no interest in answering any of my questions. Mark, a pleasure — actually not really a pleasure. It was offensive. You're offensive. Your treatment of my show as a vehicle to spread your propaganda, ignore my questions, offensive.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
It's like he's shouting at an aquarium!
Anyway, I guess the segment was meant to analyze the fringe elements in an otherwise earnest movement filled with decent people. But because the analyst is Dylan Ratigan and the couch is MSNBC, you know it was just a ruse used to paint all Tea Partiers as a bunch of Nazi-sympathizers who eat babies.
More delightful, though, is the segment banner, which reads "Anger in America." Which makes sense: Judging from his manufactured outrage, the angriest person in America is Dylan Ratigan.
I guess it sucks doing Rachel Maddow's laundry.
And if you disagree with me, you're a homophobic, racist, Tea-Partying baby-eater.
Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com
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