Sex … it’s natural.
Do what feels right and you are probably in the ballpark, right? Wrong.
Here are the top 10 mistakes men and women make.
1. They jackhammer. Pounding like an oil rig will only make your partner feel like you are using her for friction, and mess up her hair beyond repair. Yes, it looks like good "action" sex on screen, but in real life you need to mix it up a little.
2. They forget about the sensual in sexual. Food, dancing, music, massage…if you make your day more sensual, you’ll naturally end up having more sex in the long run. Eye contact and just plain old making out is imperative in keeping things hot.
3. They just ring the bell and go in. The clitoris is a small and highly sensitive piece of high tech equipment. "The man in the boat" for many is the key to a great orgasm, but just a few rough strokes may not be enough.
4. They imitate movies for their moves, rather than listen to their partner's nonverbals. Feeding each other strawberries while blindfolded, throwing aside all the files on your desk in the heat of passion, and Cirque du Soleil-like sex acrobatics all look good to an audience, but your significant other may just like the idea of being under the dark covers instead – nice 'n' simple.
5. They compare old years-long romance to a new love interest as if they were equal. Hormonally and neurologically, our brains and bodies will react to each of them differently….of course the newer one will look more interesting. Don’t forget you are looking at apples and oranges, not apples and apples.
1. They assume nighttime is the best time for being intimate. Hormonally, women have an easier time achieving an orgasm in the morning. Also, by the time night falls (read: end of work day, kids, homework, dinner, cleanup) you both may be too tired. Try morning sex with the blinds closed on the weekends when you can sleep in.
2. They use sex as a weapon. Withhold it to "punish" your man and it becomes about power, when it should be about intimacy. (This being said, for women, climaxing when she is sad, angry or upset is almost impossible).
3. They forget how things they ingest can affect sex. Alcohol, antidepressants, antihistamines -- even a big plateful of pasta! These can slow you down and get in the way of the big "O."
4. They compare themselves to other people and assume their neighbors/best friends/coworkers are having better sex. This "Desperate Housewives" mentality is never very accurate — you have no idea what happens behind closed doors. Period.
5. They wait too long. Women want men to read their minds (while men always want women who initiate), and be exact and spontaneous when they do this. This makes for a lot of waiting around and eventually leads to no sex or bad sex.
Do a couple of these sound familiar to you? Then it's time to make revisions! How about your significant other?
Print this out and use it to start a discussion (hopefully a lively, but civilized one) about how to tweak your love life in a better direction.
My boyfriend wants to videotape us. I’d like to, but I’m wary. Any advice?
— Hesitant, Wisconsin
Kudos on the good judgment! Just wear a mask – think cat’s eyes or costume party.
— Dr. B
Dr. Belisa Vranich is a psychologist and sex expert. She is the author of four books, including her latest "He's Got Potential," which is in stores now. Do you have a "Dear Doc" question? E-mail Dr. Vranich at DrBelisa@gmail.com and check out her Web site at www.drbelisa.com.