You’ve made it through the first date without locking loins. Your angelic reputation is intact, but you’re still having devilish desires.
You want sex and you want it now. But is it wise to have sex so soon? Is there an ideal amount of time to wait before having first-time sex with someone seemingly special?
These days, it can be all too easy to fall into bed with someone without a second thought. This is especially true for those of the mindset that we’re all adults here, and sex is an adult activity, and we can all be adults about it, right? What’s the big deal?
Being older (as in 30-something-years-old or better), divorced (and often coming off of a "dry" streak), or very sexually experienced can add to the temptation to have sex sooner than later. You’ve done this dance before, know exactly what you want, and are all about the carpe diem approach.
But slow down. Depending on what you want out of this budding relationship, you may have a few things to think about before jumping into the sack.
What does this person want from you?
Is it just sex? A casual sexual partner? Someone to rebound with? A full-fledged relationship? In any case, are you OK with that? Be honest with yourself on this one.
What do you want out of a sexual relationship?
Reflect on your sexual liaisons. These may include casual sex, friends with benefits, sex too soon in a relationship, waiting and making love. What makes you comfortable sexually and emotionally? What kind of sexual relationship do you need at this point in your life? Don’t forget, this plays into your sexual response and satisfaction.
Is either of you seeing anyone else?
In many cases, lovers see sex as the defining moment of their exclusivity. But that’s not always the case, and many go into first sexual experiences having recently had sex with others they’re dating. Some plan to continue such trysts. If you’re the sort who doesn’t like to share, make sure you’re asking the tough questions in order to protect yourself.
How well do you want to get to know this person?
You hopefully like what you’ve seen so far. Now think about how much more amazing really knowing this person is going to make your first time. You won’t simply be driven by some raw, carnal lust, but get to relish so many of those other feelings that truly make for the best sexual experiences.
Have you talked about safe sex?
Unless you want to risk an STD or pregnancy, this conversation needs to be had ahead of time. Make no assumptions. Have everything you need readily available for use.
How much do you ultimately want to be titillated?
You get to fully absorb and satiate the newness of a sexual romance only once. Instead of rushing to the "finish line," you may serve yourself better in taking your time, enjoying every moment. The mental stimulation from giving yourselves something to look forward to, one of these days, shouldn’t be underestimated.
There really is no magic number that works for every couple when it comes to how many dates, weeks, or months to wait for first sex. Different wait periods work (or don’t) for different couples. So it’s important to make sure that you’re on the same page with everything.
Have the conversation outlining your sexual needs and expectations. Doing so not only shows that you’re considerate, thoughtful and sexually empowered (all attractive qualities in a sex partner), but that you’re sexually confident as well. This will have your seducer wanting to have sex with you even more.
Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, "The Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking."