Say No to Condoms and Yes to Scotland

(FNC)

According to a leading Scottish psychologist, having sex without a condom can boost men and women's mental wellbeing — with or without the kilt. He adds that condoms can actually increase stress — probably triggered when trying to open those little wrappers with fat stubby fingers.

Now the research was condemned by sex educators, who believe this finding can only lead to STDs, pregnancy and more sex educators. The professor, however, said: "Evolution is not politically correct — there is actually only one [sexual behavior] consistently associated with better physical and mental health and that is the one favored by evolution."

Of course he said all of this with a delightful Scottish accent, which made it more endearing. But I get it: Unprotected sex boosts reproductive chances, and biologically you feel better about it. But that's not all of it.

For one: Perhaps you feel better not using the condom, because it feels better not using the condom! Of course, that good feeling disappears after you realize you didn't wear a condom. Then feeling gets replaced by the three stages of fear: fear, fear, and fear.

But more importantly, it might be your choice of partner influencing happiness, not condoms. The fact is, if you're not using a condom, maybe the person you're having sex with is someone you trust — like your wife.

Although the researcher disagrees, my feeling is if you're using condoms, chances are you may be sleeping with some random floozy from a bar, an unstable drifter named Roy you met at Port Authority or, in my case, a Ryan Seacrest impersonator. That can't be good for evolution, either.

So in conclusion: Say no to condoms and yes to Scotland.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com