The Argument Against Yoga

While my fellow writer Kevin Neeld made an interesting Argument For Yoga, I’d like to explain the reasons why men should stay as far away from any yoga class as possible.

Even the name is a turn-off to men — Yoga. It sounds too much like yogurt, another pointless venture in health and well-being. A snack that also aids in regularity? No thanks, tacos help just fine. Yoga is the perfect exercise for women: self-love, cute outfits and lots of thinking. Women love thinking, shopping and self-love. Men don’t like to think and are usually pretty competitive.

Point being, yoga is better suited for women. We have four reasons why yoga wasn't intended for men in our argument against yoga.

Real Men Don’t Carry Mats

Weight belts and gloves are the only accessories men should bring along with them for a workout. Unless a guy plans on taking a quick snooze between weight sets, there is no reason to bring a mat to the gym. A mat tells the world that he is about to take off his shoes, breathe like he is learning Lamaze, and spend the next hour thinking calming thoughts about daffodils and inner peace.Don’t even consider the yoga pants and organic cotton top, or the paramedics will be using the mat to roll up your carcass after the other guys in the gym laugh you to death.

No Man Should Bend That Way

Unless a guy is training to break into a bank, Mission Impossible style, there is no reason for a man to be that flexible and limber. A workout should involve the release of aggression through the movement of weights or the scoring of points. Sure, yoga requires the strength to move and hold your own body weight, but that isn’t very practical. It’s the additional weight in daily life that requires the extra effort. Congratulations if you can tuck yourself under that chest of drawers, but I’d be much happier if you were strong enough to help lift it into the other room.

Let’s not even discuss how so many yoga poses start on all fours with your butt toward the sky. Tell me how that comes in handy on your average day. If you have an answer, then I probably know too much about you and I am going to back away slowly and pretend we never met.

There Are Too Many Phrases to Remember

Sure, working out is a physical exercise, but it shouldn’t also be a brain teaser. Yoga involves too many poses, phrases and names. Is this a quiz? Is the hot instructor the take-home prize? (If she is, then memorize everything in the manual.)

Little thunderbolt. Low cobra. Flying crow pose. Is this a workout or Jason Statham’s IMDB page? It might be a little more guy-friendly if the instructor said “bend over like you are picking up a quarter” or “react like you just threw your back out and can’t stand straight.” If an instructor is telling me to get in the downward dog after a tittibhasana, I’m just going to lie down on my stomach, because those words conjure up naughty thoughts, creating what is frequently referred to as the “living wood.”

Yoga Makes You Look Like a Stalker

Certain types of men take classes at the gym that are normally dominated by women. It may not seem that way at first, but the “class guy” eventually ends up picking off one of the women in class. Honestly, it is a pretty ingenious idea but it automatically disconnects a dude from every other guy in the gym. The guy in yoga class never seems genuine to the opposite sex, no matter how interested, enthusiastic or harmless as he seems.

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