Dennis Miller on Obama's Cabinet, Somali Pirates

This is a rush transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," December 3, 2008. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: Our friend Dennis has been watching those Somali pirates; he's been watching Joe Biden; and he's been watching those Christmas shoppers very closely. Now, that's usually not a good thing for those people.

Mr. Miller joins us now from Los Angeles.

All right. Now, I know you've been doing a little Obama Cabinet selections on your radio program, your syndicated show. And so what conclusions have you arrived at?

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DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, listen, it's nice to see Joe Biden allowed to speak again. For a while there they kept him on a short leash, because he was making about as much sense as Lawrence Harvey in "Manchurian Candidate," when they flipped the red queen on him. But he's back in the fold now.

Some of the picks I like — I'm not sure I dig Stedman Graham as attorney general, but what are you going to do?

O'REILLY: Stedman Graham?

MILLER: Like every...

O'REILLY: That's Oprah's boyfriend.

MILLER: I looked up and — oh, I'm sorry, Eric Holder. Listen, I went back and did a little research on this.

O'REILLY: Stedman Graham. It is Stedman. It's not Eric. It's Stedman Graham. They snuck him in under the radar. You're absolutely right.

MILLER: It might be Ralph Sampson when he played for the Houston Rockets. I'm not sure.

But you know, I went back and looked into this Fraunces Tavern thing with the FLAN. And if you want to get your head off the pardon of Mark Rich, and Mark Rich is just a run-of-the-mill slug. The FLAN commutation is a little more worrisome.

I mean, there's a cat out there named Joe O'Connor who lost his dad, one of the four people killed at the explosion at the Fraunces Tavern in mid-70s. You might want to book him, talk to him, what he thinks about this Holder thing. These are some bad guys. They served 19 years. But the last time I looked, you serve life before you croak somebody. And these guys were Ayers before he was Ayers.

O'REILLY: They're bad boys, there's no doubt. Well, I think that's the weakest though. But what about Hillary Clinton as secretary of state? You got any beef?

MILLER: No. You know, Hillary is — I guess they just want to — it's the classic Corleone: keep your enemies closer. And Napolitano, I'm a little worried about her as the Homeland Security thing, because the last time I drove through Arizona on the I-10, the illegal aliens had their own lane on the outside. That's how...

O'REILLY: The HOV lane from Mexico. That's right.

MILLER: And as far as secretary of Commerce, we've got El Diablo, Billy Richardson. But there's no commerce to keep an eye on right now.

O'REILLY: Yes, what exactly does the secretary of Commerce do? You know, we need to have the Richardson with the beard. This is not the El Diablo we know and love. We need to have the shot with the beard.

MILLER: He can — if he grows the goatee back, he can keep his day job wrestling for the unified belt in Guadalajara this week in a cage match with the unified belt.

O'REILLY: OK. Now I know the Somali pirates are on your mind. You're probably the only American who has them on his mind, but you go right ahead.

MILLER: Just let me get this straight. A guy pulls up in a Hovicat in a pair of neon flip-flops with a Che Guevera wife beater T-shirt on, and they somehow take over a ship? Can't Fred Brandy (ph) pass out some of the skeet shooting gear? While they were plunging off the bull rope, somebody just picks them off. Are you kidding me? These people could not take over a ship. What about Pussy Galore's swine circus coming in plane crop-dusting them and crop-dusting these nut cases, pull them off and hang them in the Times Square? The next thing you'll know, they'll be suing the Pittsburgh Pirates for depicting that in a caricaturish way.

O'REILLY: It is kind of amazing. They had a bunch of 9-year-olds, if you show the picture of the pirates, the average age is about 9. And the gun is bigger than they are — can take over the three-mile-wide tanker with no resistance. The fix might be in there, Miller. You know what I'm talking about?

MILLER: Well, I'll tell you what. They haven't seen violence until they jump an old Jewish couple on the buffet line on one of these cruises in the Caribbean.

O'REILLY: All right. Christmas shopping now, what do you do? Do you go to the mall, Miller? I mean, do you go into Wise Guys 'R' Us and buy stuff?

MILLER: Usually got it online. This year, I got kids a DVD of the "Somali Pirates of the Caribbean."

O'REILLY: It's a good film.

MILLER: Johnny Depp walking around, conking people with a frozen splif.

Listen, I shop online, but you see this stuff at Wal-Mart and it breaks your heart.

O'REILLY: Yes.

MILLER: I don't blame anything. I don't blame anything except this, Bill. The word "fraught" was invented to connect the words "life is" full of danger. And we have a 24/7 news cycle now. We're privy to all this stuff. This is what happens in life when people are put into these situations.

I saw Monica Crowley on the show the other night, saying, "Doesn't anybody — what sort of statement does it make that nobody stops?" And the statement it makes is that the herd has gone crazy, and you don't want to get croaked that night, either. Your responsibility in a swarm, unless you can get that person and keep moving, is to not get killed. Things go wrong all the time. It breaks your heart. But we were never privy to it before, because it wasn't 24-hour news.

O'REILLY: OK. But isn't there — isn't there a responsibility on the part of any kind of enterprise, whether it be a soccer stadium or a department store or a cruise ship, to protect the people who are trying to get in or out of it?

See, that's what I think. I agree with you that this kind of craziness just spirals out of control, and there's nobody who can — but I would have tried to drag the guy out. And I think you would have, too. If he was on the floor, you try to drag him out.

I was in a situation like that in Argentina. I write about it in "Bold Fresh." But there is a responsibility when we go somewhere that the people try to protect us. They knew that this was crazy, Wal-Mart and Valley Stream, and they just didn't have enough guys on.

MILLER: Listen, Bill, I'll do my best to grab somebody, but I don't know. I mean, really, I don't know what happened to you in Argentina. But really, you've got to make a snap decision there: Do I want to die in Wal-Mart at 5:30 in the morning? You put your hand out, you try to keep the cat going. I start getting knocked out, I'd like to think —- I don't know. What do you think?

I remember there was that — there was a running back for the Kansas City Chiefs years ago. You read that story where he dives in. He doesn't know how to swim. He saves two kids, and he drowns. And you think, "My God. I guess you can only summon that courage up when you're put in that position." Just theorizing.

O'REILLY: Nobody ever knows. Nobody ever knows how they'll react in a situation like that. But our point was let's try to keep ourselves out of that situation.

Dennis Miller, everybody. He'll be back next week.

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