First Class and You

It's holiday travel time and it makes me think — mainly about that awkward shuffle I have to do through first class into economy.

I hate it. Especially if it's crowded and you get stuck standing there like an idiot with your carry-on bags — which, in my case, are always filled with sausage and porn.

But the last time this happened, I noticed something weird going on with the faces of the people who sit in first class.

I call it the "I'm sort of a big deal" face.

It's the look they give you as though they're rich, famous or cured cancer. They're idiots. They don't understand that first, you're only 2,000 frequent flier miles from getting an upgrade. Second: It's not a big deal that you're in first class — it just means you sold more Purina cat chow than some other dope at work.

And third: If you actually paid for a first-class seat, you're a tool.

See, when flying economy, it's as if someone hands you a $1,000 when you land for not flying first class. And that's money you can put toward a gift for me. I like travel Yahtzee and Funyuns.

And that's my gut feeling!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com