Size Matters: Are You a Pedophile?

So new research reveals that pedophiles are shorter than men attracted to adults. This new study found that pedophiles are about 5 feet 9 inches tall, while non-offenders are just under 5 feet 10 inches tall.

Apparently, size matters.

So I'm not 5 foot 10. I'm actually around 5 foot 6 — in tasteful pumps.

Does this make me a pedophile? I hope not, because I hate kids. I can barely tolerate poultry, which are like kids with little wings.

I find pedophiles to be despicable people. But this research stinks. It's an attack on short people like me who already face discrimination every time we try to look cool sitting on a bar stool with our feet dangling.

Obviously the large majority of short people are not molesters. They're actors and everyone knows they're too busy injecting butt fat into their lips to fiddle with kids.

Do I foresee a time when we will round up all short men and imprison them to save the children? I hope not. I need privacy when I do No. 1.

And really, it's tall people we really have to worry about. The fact is, being tall allows you to hide things on shelves that no one else can reach. Like children. And if we really care about the children, then we should kill tall people.

And that's my gut feeling!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com