The Root of All Evil? 'Root Causers'

I am angry right now.

What is the root cause of my anger? People who use the phrase "root cause."

• Watch Greg's Greg-alogue — root cause of nothing!

Whenever it comes to crime or terror, rather than punish the bad guys, certain vacant-eyed lunatics prefer to address the "root cause."

What's a root cause? Academics say it's the underlying reason for a problem. But what it really is, is an excuse for evil behavior.

The next time some jack-ass uses the phrase "root cause," point out that people who ponder root causes are trying to understand why their pants are wet. They think placating trumps punishment.

But try to use that on your girlfriend: "Honey, I know you caught me cheating, but we really should address the root causes of why I did what I did."

See how far that will get you.

People who worry about root causes think that killing terrorists only creates more terrorists. Instead, we must find out why there are terrorists in the first place. Translation: It's America's fault.

After all, the root cause of all that's bad in the world, for a root causer, is always America.

So what is the root cause of the root causers? Perhaps they hate themselves for their own coddled incompetence and America's success reminds them of their own weakness. Or maybe it's tenure, since most root-causers are brain-dead blowhards who have locked-down lifetime jobs making kids stupid.

Either way, next time some weenie tries a root cause out on you, kick him in the root.

And that's my gut feeling.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com