What the hell are they teaching those young wizards at Hogwart’s anyway?

In full disclosure, I am not a Harry Potter fan. Nor do I intend on becoming one. I won’t bore you with tedious memories of my ill-spent youth, but suffice it to say that I made fun of other kids who were enamored by dungeons and dragons and wizardry! Had I known how popular it would ultimately become, I suppose I would have paid a little more attention to it. But I didn’t – and I still don’t care.

(And now I have to issue a public apology to my wife for making fun of her too as she has been the first in line to read each and every one of J.K. Rowling’s masterpieces: Honey, I’m sorry I made fun of you!)

But what bothers me here is that a kid – a punk if you ask me – only seventeen years old becomes every other kid’s hero on the planet (galaxy, universe or whatever incorporates all those imaginary Muggle worlds) would decide to honor his newly found stardom by going au naturel on a London stage.

Actor Daniel Radcliffe, aka Harry Potter, is set to star in a new play “Equuis” in which the young wizard not only bares his magic wand live on stage – but also has an erotic scene with a HORSE! If you haven’t seen the publicity photos – trust me, they are appalling.

And here is a description of what you get if you pony up your 40 pounds:

“…not only calls for him to perform fully naked, but apparently he will also become visibly aroused while riding a horse.”

Talk about getting the last laugh against the evil Lord Voldemort! And why?

Must all innocence be smashed like a philosopher’s stone?! Did he not make enough money from the super-blockbuster films that made British Author J.K. Rowling the wealthiest woman in the world? Isn’t there another way to break out of a typecast role?

And what are parents supposed to tell young female teenage fans who will undoubtedly be caught in this magical spell?

Don’t get me wrong here – I am not an uncultured Neanderthal who has no appreciation for the finer arts. But Wizard Porn crosses the line of acceptable artistic standards when a kid isn’t even old enough to have consensual sex with anyone, including farm animals. Maybe the cops should stand outside the theater and issue tickets when people come out!

Yuck. Gross. Foul. Look away, Frodo!

I can be reached for questions or comments at Griffsnotes@foxnews.com.