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Who Wants to Adopt a Radio Host?

By Fox News
Published | Updated

1/25/07 – Adopt-A-Host

Jenna MacFarlane traded in her family for a new one--sort of. Distanced after a falling out with her biological parents, the 40-something woman decided to seek a new family. So she put out an ad like you would for a new stereo or speed boat. And she got more than 90 responses. She finally hit it off with an older couple who were also looking to add a new member to their family. As bizzare as the whole situation is, it has worked out so far for all involved. And it got me thinking about a long held fantasy of mine.

Wouldn't it be great if a huge fan of the show wanted to adopt me? Not for love or marriage--I already have a soulmate. But what about a companion for all the fun things l've always wanted to do? Maybe someone would like to make model railroads with me. Maybe someone is looking for a mid-30s radio host to take to the circus or the ballet. Maybe someone is looking to turn Julie Andrews' "The Lonely Goatherd" into a duet. Or maybe someone wouldn't mind opening the mayo jar on a regular basis.

Would it be so rotten if someone out there with no next of kin to leave their vast mountains of booty and cash to chose me as their adopted heir? They could share their fortunes with me and in exchange I could give them a few weekends a year at the racetrack or the bingo championships. The person adopting me wouldn't HAVE to be loaded, but why the heck rule that option out?

It's no crazier than giving your money to an heir who hates you and has only been a thorn in your side all these years. And besides, I could pay you back with personal monologues and rants about the foolishness of socialism or the latest idiot on American Idol. I could polish your Jaguar when I am not busy driving around the one you gave me.

Yes, I am a dreamer. But if you can't find a relative to share your lottery winnings with, I am free a week from today for nature walks and large inheritances. No smokers, please. Unless you own the tobacco company. Then I'd be willing to hold my breath. See? I'm willing to work with you. Adopt me. NOW!