My dearest Gwyneth,
I am so relieved that you have taken back your disparaging comments about our native America, and that you are, in fact, "proud to be an American."
The fact that you really don't think us all less interesting and less civilized than Europeans comes as a great relief.
In Europe, "people don't talk about work and money," you are reported to have said to a Portuguese magazine during an interview. "They talk about interesting things at dinner."
Oh, how nice for them.
And even though you have since chalked up those comments to poor Spanish language skills on your behalf — which is completely understandable, considering the reporter most likely speaks Portuguese — I'm encouraging the American moviegoing public, which consists of oh, I don't know, about 100 million people, not to take your comments personally.
After all, you weren't talking about them anyway, were you?
I mean, how many dinner parties have you been to at the average American home?
In light of the fact that you moved to London with your hubby (Chris Martin of Coldplay) a few years ago because you didn't want to raise your precious Apple in America — and that you were educated at private schools in pricey Manhattan with some of the country's most famous celebrities as friends of your parents, I'd bet not many.
You've never been to my home for dinner, and I'd bet you've never been to the homes of 99 percent of the people reading this column right now. But that's OK; you're not invited.
Therefore, you must have been talking about the people you regularly go to dinner with, like, other celebrities, who believe everything they talk about is "interesting."
But here's a news flash for you and the rest of your expatriate friends from the Hollywood community: The days of our unconditional love for all things celebrity are over.
We ordinary Americans have the power to make or break a movie, a song, a TV show, an actor, a singer, a TV journalist, a radio announcer and even a blogger. And we ordinary Americans are finding celebrities of all creeds less interesting to talk about during dinner.
And in the end, that will be your problem.