Egomaniacs Need Not Apply

Nothing says "hire me" like a well-placed karate chop.

Forget the convincing cover letter — when Yale University senior Aleksey Vayner wanted his resume to get noticed on Wall Street, he spiced it up with style … complete and total malarkey-style, that is.

Vayner's 11-page resume, initially submitted to human resources at UBS last week, identifies him as a multi-sport professional athlete, CEO of two companies and an investment adviser, the New York Sun reports.

And fortunately for the funny bones of corporate honchos, the delusions of grandeur don't stop there.

Vayner, self-described "model of personal success and development to everybody," thoughtfully included a video accompaniment to his superlatively self-congratulatory resume that shows the young go-getter lifting a 495-pound weight, serving a tennis ball at 140 mph, ballroom dancing with a barely-clothed babe and — as a grand finale — emerging in a karate suit to chop through six bricks with one swipe of his gainfully-employable hand.

Though a good number of the firms on the receiving end of Vayner's multi-media masterpiece were less than impressed, at least a few savored the submission for its comic value.

"This is pure gold"; "What a tasteful resume/cover letter and video"; "Certainly one way to get your foot in the door"; "Typical Yalie"; "Wow is all I can really say" were among the e-mail comments added as the resume bounced from firm to firm on Wall Street.

Vayner did not return phone calls from the Sun seeking comment.

And Now This From the 'And-Then-We-Went-to-Third-Grade' Department:

Who knew a day in court could be such a gas?

A British teenager was briefly thrown in the slammer for contempt of court after he let a few rip in front of his giggling co-defendants and an extremely un-amused judge.

Joseph Wildy, 19, was appearing in court along with four other youngsters when he emitted a series of booming blasts in the quiet courtroom, sending the entire posse into fits of giggles, The Daily Record and the AFP report.

When the judge demanded an apology for the rude eruptions, a supremely self-satisfied Wildy refused.

The judge then sent the tooting teen to jail for over an hour so he could get a grip and think about the stink he caused.

"He was laughing in court, that's why he was found in contempt," said a court spokeswoman.

"It was for interrupting the proceedings by laughing, and then refusing to apologize."

When security officers escorted him back, Wildy said he was sorry for "disturbing the court and acting the goat" and was released on bail for stolen goods charges.

How's This for a Santa Clause

MOUNT PLEASANT, S.C. (AP) — There can only be one Santa Claus during the holiday parade here — legally.

This Charleston suburb has a Santa clause for its holiday parade that states there may be only one Claus appearing during the annual holiday event.

"It's kind of confusing to kids when Santa drives by 20 times," said Su McManus-Frost, the town's special events coordinator. Traditionally, Santa rides at the end of the parade on a fire truck.

The town's rule turns on the fine distinction between implying the presence of the old elf and really depicting him.

For instance, a float showing Santa's workshop with some elves is fine. And people can wear a Santa hat without the white beard, said McManus-Frost.

The one-and-only Santa rule is written out in large print on entry forms for the nighttime parade which, this year, will be held on Dec. 10.

"We all love seeing Santa in the parade, but we only need one. Please do not put Santa on your float or in the cab. We will ask you to the remove the costume," the entry form states.

It's Like 'Free Willy,' but Tastier

CINCINNATI (AP) — A 7-year-old Ohio girl who wanted to set a grocery store lobster free has gotten her wish.

It started last month when Myranda Hutchinson won Bubba the lobster in a grocery store anniversary raffle in Cincinnati. It ended Saturday when the nearly eight-pound crustacean found freedom about 1,100 miles away off the coast of Maine.

Myranda's mother says the girl was determined to win Bubba so she could set him free.

When no zoo would take Bubba in, Columbus Zoo curator Mike Brittsan helped get the lobster to diver Eddie Monat in Bar Harbor, Maine, who agreed to find Bubba a home in the Atlantic.

Bubba made it to Maine after Myranda's mother and stepfather paid $280 to fund his cross-country airplane ride in a foam container.

Compiled by's Taylor Timmins.

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