The A-B-Cs of S-E-X

Attention, class: 'D' is for 'D'oh!'

An undoubtedly red-faced elementary school teacher in Monroe, N.Y., inadvertently gave parents a lesson in the ABC's of XXX at an open house when she distributed a spelling curriculum handout with pornographic print, the Times Herald-Record reports.

Can you spell H-U-M-I-L-I-A-T-I-N-G?

The frisky font consisted of male and female stick figures … ahem … working in titillating togetherness to form the letters of the alphabet.

In the teacher's defense, the lusty letters were so subtle even school officials didn't notice — and many parents weren't aware until the got an apology letter from the district.

"I definitely believe it was a mistake," said Kelly Stegmann, Pine Tree Parent Teacher Association president.

Apparently the parents agree — Stegmann says she hasn't received many calls about the gaffe.

"This packet was reviewed by a number of people, including myself," Jean Maxson, principal of the school, wrote. "I take full responsibility for this inappropriate publication."

Forget the Party Bus, Real Boozehounds Take a Ride on the Vomit Comet

ASPEN, Colo. (AP) — Aspen partygoers, beware. Transportation officials have voted to hire a security firm to patrol the bus station and late-night buses on Fridays and Saturdays that commonly have to take drunken passengers home from Aspen.

The bus service on those nights has been inauspiciously dubbed the "Vomit Comet."

"Due to people being pretty intoxicated, things can get out of hand every once in a while," said Roaring Fork Transportation Authority CEO Dan Blankenship.

The transit authority must spend about $21,000 per year to deal with unruly drunks on buses, the transportation authority concluded Thursday.

Hiring guards should allow drivers and supervisors to concentrate on moving people instead of coping with "these crazies on the bus," said Kent Blackmer, the authority's co-director of operations.

For seven years, drivers have called police to handle people who could not care for themselves or posed a threat to drivers or other passengers.

But the agency has been dealing with an increasing number of people unable to walk, fighting and hassling other passengers or just plain passed out, Blackmer said.

Transportation authority board member Gary Tennenbaum said the presence of a security guard will help get riders to behave.

"I've been on the Vomit Comet before, and most of them aren't true criminals," he said. "They're just drunk.

Mmmmm .... Five Flavor Finalists

MONTPELIER, Vt. (AP) — Will it be ApricotAbra or Wackie Chan? Italian Renaissance or Mojito?

How about Puttin' on a Ritz?

Ben & Jerry's has winnowed down more than 40,000 suggestions for a new flavor to five finalists, and will turn their customer-creators loose next month in the "Flavor Finals," to see which is tastiest.

The five finalists get expense-paid trips to the ice cream maker's Waterbury plant, where they will whip up their concoctions for the company's flavor gurus in the Oct. 4-5 finals.

The five finalists include Timothy Link, 36, of Troy, Idaho, whose suggestion was Mojito, a lime-based sherbet with mint, brown sugar and rum; and Tasha Callister, 26, of Jackson, Fla., whose Puttin' on a Ritz would consist of vanilla ice cream, caramel and Ritz crackers.

The others are: Robin Thorneycroft, 25, of Richmond, B.C., who suggested a flavor she calls Italian Renaissance, made of amaretto liqueur ice cream, cherry chunks and sliced almonds; Kerstin Karlhuber, 25, of Boston, whose Wackie Chan would be sweet cream and ginger-flavored ice cream, with chocolate-covered fortune cookie bits and fudge swirl; and Reina Chilton, 26, of Tempe, Ariz., who recommended "ApricotAbra," a mix of apricot chunks, dark chocolate, vanilla ice cream and tart apricot preserves.

I Know I Always Take Campaigning Politicians Seriously ... No Bull

FRANKFORT, Ky. (AP) — Otis Hensley had to duck to avoid tree branches as he rode a 12-foot-tall Fiberglas bull around the state Capitol.

The long-shot Kentucky gubernatorial candidate had attached signs to each side of the brown and white caricature declaring that, if elected, he would "control the bull in Frankfort."

In a thick central Appalachian drawl, Hensley, a demolition contractor, says he can't afford a television advertising campaign, so the outrageous political stunt was necessary to let voters know he is running for the Democratic nomination in next year's election. And it worked. Television crews and newspaper reporters couldn't resist watching Hensley's ride.

Such stunts by underdog candidates to bolster foundering campaigns have been a mainstay in American politics. Some have dressed in clown costumes, debated life-size cutouts of their opponents, auctioned themselves on eBay, paid election filing fees with coins, and sent campaign workers dressed as giant rats or chickens to the oppositions' political events.

Michael Baranowki, a political scientist at Northern Kentucky University, said candidates who use such tactics run the risk of being seen as jokers, not serious candidates.

"The one thing you really cannot afford as a political candidate is not to be taken seriously," he said.

And Now This From the Employee of the Month Department

AKRON, Ohio (AP) — A former postal worker who poured urine into his co-workers' coffee must serve six months in a jail work-release program.

Thomas Shaheen, 50, of suburban Springfield Township, also must pay $1,200 to the people he used to work with to cover their cost of making a secret video of his role in tainting the office coffee.

Shaheen stood and apologized to several postal workers in Akron Municipal Court where he pleaded guilty on Monday to two misdemeanor charges of tainting food.

"I don't know what became of me," said Shaheen, a postal employee for 13 years fired from his job at a post office vehicle maintenance facility in Akron. "I hope you find it in your hearts someday to forgive me."

The tainting occurred over several months. When workers realized what was going on, they told supervisors and an investigation began. When nothing came of the probe, workers had a video camera installed in the room where staffers made coffee.

Shaheen was videotaped on two occasions in July 2005 pouring urine into a coffee pot in a break room.

He didn't offer a motive, but his lawyer, Paul Adamson, said Shaheen had been frustrated about his work.

"We can't believe Thomas would even stoop to this level for his own personal revenge," said Jene Jackson, who worked with Shaheen. "He would sit in the same room with people and watch them drink his sick little brew and think nothing of it."

Compiled by's Taylor Timmins.

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