If only I had a nickel for every time some lady waving a hubcap around in the air trying to steal peanuts from a newsstand stripped naked and ran out into traffic in broad daylight for no reason other than she was serving up a heaping helping of crazy pie…

I believe I’d have … um … about 5 cents.

One can only assume that morning motorists in Pittsburgh were a little more than surprised to see the aforementioned scene, which reportedly started with an altercation involving a fully clothed woman at a Greyhound bus station and ended with cops escorting said woman, sans duds, to a psychiatric hospital.

The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reports the brouhaha began when the woman spit on someone at the bus station and two other ladies tried to calm her down.

As fate would have it, she wasn’t planning on calming down at all.

She struggled free -- ripping off part of her shirt in the process -- and moseyed on over to the Smithfield News, waving a hubcap (why not?) around in the air.

"She was acting really weird and she tried to steal some peanuts so we asked her to leave, but she kept coming back in," Diana Jackson, a clerk at the store, said.

After failing to plunder peanuts, the woman freed herself of all of her clothes and ran onto a busy boulevard, bringing curious commuters to a standstill.

"Traffic was completely stopped and everyone was just staring at her," Jackson said. "I've never seen anything like that."

The would-be peanut thief ran off before cops could get there, but they eventually caught up with her at a nearby park and took her to the hospital.

She’s not facing charges, Pittsburgh police spokeswoman Tammy Ewin.

It Ain't Over 'Til ... 'Til ... Wait, 'Til ... Umm ... OK, It's Over

FORT WORTH, Texas (AP) — This guy couldn't burglarize his way out of a paper bag.

Fort Worth police say a suspected burglar ended up locked in a liquor store he's accused of trying to rob.

They say Larry C. Bynum, 30, apparently entered the store through a rooftop ventilation hatch. Surveillance video showed a man falling through ceiling tiles and about 20 feet to the floor, where he lay stunned and nearly motionless for about five minutes.

Finally, he got up and broke into the store cash register, took some cigarettes and tried to leave.

He was stopped by a locked Plexiglas door. The video showed the man first trying to climb a display rack to the hole he'd just fallen through — but he fell again. He then tried to break the front door with a beer keg, then with a dolly — but no luck.

Dejected, the man just sat on beer keg, fired up a smoke, and waited for police to come and get him. They did.

Thanks to Out There reader Jonathan P.

Teachers Cry Fowl When Poop Prank Closes Class

FORT KENT, Maine (AP) — Six high school seniors in Fort Kent were charged with criminal trespass and criminal mischief after a class prank went awry and ended up shutting down the school.

The six boys ordered 10 goslings and 45 chicks from an Indiana company and then set them loose in Community High School early Thursday morning, school officials said.

The pranksters put the birds in the school gym, in classrooms, in lockers, in offices and into a drawer of a teacher's desk, said Principal Tim Doak. But the animals left their mark on floors, chairs and tables, forcing administrators to cancel school Thursday and Friday to clean up the mess.

The school will expect full restitution for cleanup costs, which are expected to run into the thousands of dollars, said Sandra Bernstein, superintendent of School Administrative District 27. The canceled days will be added to the end of the school year.

"It's comical when you start thinking of chickens in your school, but it's just another chapter in the book of school administration," Doak said.

A teacher discovered the intruders before 6 a.m. after entering the building and hearing the birds running around the hallways, Bernstein said. When students arrived, they were taken to the school gym, which had been sterilized, before being sent home.

A crew of about 10 was enlisted to clean and disinfect all surfaces where the birds left a mess — about 70 percent of the school. The birds pose a public safety hazard because of salmonella bacteria, Bernstein said.

"It's not funny when it's a public health risk," she said. "Salmonella is a very dangerous bacteria that can cause serious illness, particularly with anyone vulnerable or with immune system problems."

The animals, none of which were harmed, were boxed up and taken to the police chief's house, where they were expected to stay until they find new homes.

What a Waste of Money

VIENNA, Austria (AP) — This was definitely not your typical toilet paper.

A tax collector in the southern Austrian city of Graz accidentally left $28,000 in cash in a black attache case he placed on top of a toilet in the men's room of a restaurant Thursday, police said.

By the time he realized it was missing and went back, the cash was gone, authorities said.

As of Friday, no one had turned up with the money, prompting police in the city 120 miles south of Vienna to issue an appeal for its return.

Flying Lettuce Forces Salad Eater to Fork Over the Green

EASTON, Pa. (AP) — A woman asked a judge to toss her $173.50 fine for throwing lettuce out of her car, but he ordered her to fork over the green.

Dawn Higgins, who was cited Oct. 18 while parked outside a Wal-Mart near Easton, appeared in Northampton County Common Pleas Court on Thursday.

Higgins has said she took her daughters and a friend to the store, and they stopped at a McDonald's along the way. She said she pulled into a parking space to finish her meal but decided not to eat the half-dozen or so leaves atop her salad.

After failing to appear before a district judge on Dec. 22, Higgins discovered that she had been convicted in absentia and owed the state $173.50. She appealed, arguing that lettuce is biodegradable.

President Judge Robert A. Freedberg on Thursday found Higgins guilty after listening to her attorney pepper a police officer with questions about lettuce.

Higgins is mulling an appeal to state Superior Court "as a matter of principle," said her lawyer, Timothy Prendergast.

"Probably the most expensive McDonald's salad ever sold," he said.

Thanks to Out There reader Jason S.

Compiled by FOXNews.com's Taylor Timmins.

Got a good "Out There" story in your hometown? We'd like to know about it. Send an e-mail with a Web link (we need to authenticate these things) to outthere@foxnews.com.