Pennsylvania cops say a hopped-up local teacher taught them a lesson in madness.

High school French teacher Curtis Lofton, 23, of Springford Terraces, Lower Paxton Twp., faces charges of assaulting an officer and drug possession after being arrested last month standing naked in the snow outside his house, according to The Patriot-News.

When police, responding to a report of a disturbance, asked Lofton if he was OK, he responded, "No, I am ... crazy, and I need a menthol cigarette," according to court papers.

Court documents say Lofton then allegedly told one officer that he was "Jesus Christ" and the cop must be "God" after being asked why he was nude and where he lived.

Lofton allegedly bopped the policeman over the head with a plastic toy trumpet he scooped up from the yard after a fight broke out between them.

The cop pepper-sprayed Lofton, who cursed and told him "'Jesus' is now blind," court documents say.

Police charged Lofton with resisting arrest, open lewdness, aggravated assault involving a police officer, possession of marijuana, unlawful possession of prescription drug oxycodone, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Terrence J. McGowan, Lofton's attorney, told The Patriot-News the defense of his client has been complicated by the fact that he doesn't remember anything that happened that night.

McGowan told the paper the school district had scheduled a meeting to address Lofton's future at Central Dauphin High School.

"Basically, he had some mental health issues that hopefully are in remission. I don't think it affects his ability to be a French teacher and it wasn't school-related, so we're hoping we can get him back to work," McGowan told The Patriot-News.

— Thanks to Out There reader Patches S.

I Promish I'll Quit Dinking, Jour Honor

Missouri Circuit Judge William Syler put Jacob V. Vandeven on probation last month for drunk driving and ordered him not to drink, according to the Southeast Missourian.

Less than 30 minutes later, Vandeven was spotted raising his glass at Tractor's Classic American Grill in Jackson — by Syler!

Cop had originally charged Vandeven, 27, of Whitewater, with felony drunk driving after a car wreck with injuries in Cape Girardeau on Nov. 20, 2004. Vandeven pleaded guilty after prosecutors OK'd reducing the charge to a misdemeanor.

Unfortunately for him, the restaurant Vandeven selected for his little celebration happened to be the same one Syler chose for lunch with deputy circuit clerk Karen Nabe, court reporter Sheilia Irvin and probation officer David Bertrand, the Southeast Missourian reported.

All four had been in court when Vandeven received his sentence and had been told to cease his beer-swallowing.

Cops nabbed Vandeven shortly after the illegal imbibing after Syler issued a warrant for Vandeven's arrest.

— Thanks to Out There readers Tony S. and Chris S.

And Drivers Everywhere Quaked With Fear...

Despite being caught four and a half times more drunk than the legal limit, a British man walked free from court last month, according to the Manchester Evening News.

Anti-drunk driving groups and drivers everywhere moaned as Jon Bradshaw, 25, from Bury, was found not guilty by the town's magistrates of driving drunk, crashing into railings and jumping a red light.

Local celebrity lawyer Nick Freeman got the businessman off by arguing that his client couldn't have agreed to let police take a blood sample because he wasn't conscious at the time, the Evening News reported.

— Thanks to Out There reader Mark G.

Sacre Bleu! This Urinal Vandal Has Gaul!

PARIS (AP) — A 76-year-old performance artist was arrested after attacking Marcel Duchamp's "Fountain" — a porcelain urinal — with a hammer, police said.

Duchamp's 1917 piece — an ordinary white, porcelain urinal that's been called one of the most influential works of modern art — was slightly chipped in the attack at the Pompidou Center in Paris, the museum said Thursday. It was removed from the exhibit for repair.

The suspect, a Provence resident whose identity was not released, already vandalized the work in 1993 — urinating into the piece when it was on display in Nimes, in southern France, police said.

During questioning, the man claimed his hammer attack on Wednesday was a work of performance art that might have pleased Dada artists. The early 20th-century avant-garde movement was the focus of the exhibit that ends Monday, police said.

A 2004 poll of 500 arts figures ranked "Fountain" as the most influential work of modern art — ahead of Pablo Picasso's "Les Demoiselles d'Avignon," Andy Warhol's screen prints of Marilyn Monroe and "Guernica," Picasso's depiction of war's devastation.

"Fountain" is estimated at $3.6 million.

I'm Not Exactly Nuts About Finding This Condom ...

RIFLE, Colo. (AP) — A couple who bought a bag of nuts got a surprise when they opened one and found a condom inside.

Dian Geist of Silt bought a bag of unshelled nuts from an open bin at a Wal-Mart Supercenter. She said she and her husband, Brian, had a good laugh when a bright yellow condom popped out of one nut.

The couple took the filbert nut and its contents back to Wal-Mart, where an assistant manager photographed it before the Geists took it to police.

Police said someone had drilled a hole in the nut, emptied the shell, inserted a condom then plugged the hole with wood putty.

Police Chief Daryl Meisner said it appeared no crime was committed.

"The condom was new and unused, so it probably wasn't anything malicious. I can't find where any law has been broken," he said.

Store officials weren't pleased.

"Whether someone thought it was a joke, we take it very seriously," Wal-Mart spokeswoman Karen Burk said. "This is a food-tampering issue."

No Problem, We Found You

NORFOLK, Neb. (AP) — Arlie Bichlmeier discovered his license plate turned out to be an effective command.

Bichlmeier's plate reads "FINDME," and thanks to it, authorities were able to locate him about 90 minutes after they say he tried to rob the Security National Bank branch in Laurel.

The suspect walked into the bank about 9:30 a.m. Wednesday and indicated his intention to rob it, the state patrol said. There was no weapon shown and the suspect fled the bank without any money, the patrol said.

Witnesses described the suspect's vehicle as a 1994 Black GMC pickup, with a personalized license plate.

Around 11 a.m., the patrol and Norfolk Police Department located a vehicle and suspect matching the description in a parking lot.

Bichlmeier, 58, of Norfolk, was questioned and arrested. He was jailed on charges of attempted robbery and making terrorist threats.

— Thanks to Out There reader Timothy B.

I'd Say These Are Worth About One Trip to Jail, You Moron

FARGO, N.D. (AP) — Diamond earrings stolen from a college fundraiser were recovered when a Minnesota man tried to have them appraised at the jewelry store that donated them, authorities said.

Police said the man was arrested after he brought the $4,600 earrings to Wimmer's Jewelry. Store owner Brad Wimmer said the man had the original box along with the description of the jewelry.

"It was all very goofy," Wimmer said. "The value of the earrings was right on the description."

Charges were pending. Police did not release the man's name but said he was a 23-year-old from Ada, Minn.

Wimmer's donated the earrings to the North Dakota State University Development Foundation for its silent auction. They apparently were stolen from storage during the October event, a development foundation spokesman said.

When he came in to get an appraisal, Wimmer said he was told it would take a day, and the man left his name and phone number.

Wimmer called the man Wednesday and told him the appraisal was finished. When the man came to the store, Wimmer said he pretended he was on a long-distance phone call until police arrived.

"He knew the jig was up when police came in the store," Wimmer said.

Compiled by FOXNews.com's Andrew Hard.

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