Mr. Know-It-All Answers Your Burning Questions

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How come they call that little entrance at the Church of the Nativity, where the Palestinians have been hiding, the "Gate of Humility"? 

Yours,
Puzzled in Peoria

Dear Puzzled,

This is because the doorway is very small, forcing normal-sized people to bow their heads as they walk through. Among the circus midget community, however, the same entrance is known as "the Gate of Dignity."

Dear Mr Know-It-All,
Should we call them suicide bombers or homicide bombers or what?

Yours,
Undecided in Utah

Dear Undecided,

We shouldn't dehumanize these people by describing them with broad terms. We should make every effort to refer to each individual by his or her actual name. So, instead of saying "a suicide bomber killed himself and nine Israelis," which is impersonal and vague, try this: "A murderous deluded Palestinian idiot named Mohammed al-Chouhani, who deserves to die 1,000 times over for his act of brutal cowardice, killed himself and nine innocent Israelis."

See? Much better.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
I adored that little girl who made the heart-warming speech at the United Nations this week. Can you tell me more about this wonderful youngster?

Yours,
Admiring in Atlanta

Dear Admiring,

Let's carefully examine the speech delivered by the allegedly adorable 13-year-old, Gabriela Azurudy Arrieta. "We are children whose voices are not being heard. It is time we are taken into account!" she said. "We want a world fit for children, because a world fit for us is a world fit for everyone."

Elements of Gabriela's speech — "a world fit for us is a world fit for everyone" — recall the despotic tone of a Stalin or Hitler. I've alerted the relevant authorities. Gabriela Azurudy Arrieta, if indeed that is her real name, will soon threaten us no more. Thank you for bringing her to my attention.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How long will it be before Woody Allen makes a film in which his romantic interest is only three years old?

Yours,
Questioning in Queens

Dear Questioning,

At Mr. Allen's current rate, which sees his romantic leads becoming younger with every film, this is scheduled to happen in July 2008. Casting details will become known once Allen's co-star is born.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What do you think about sports teams with offensive names? I think they should all bebanned, and the teams be re-named with sensitive new titles.

Yours,
Concerned in Chicago

Dear Concerned,

I fully support your campaign. The Washington Redskins, for example, must be re-named. The word "Washington" celebrates a warmongering, tree-hating white guy. I suggest changing the name to "Virginia Area Big City Redskins."

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
I heard a rumor that Maureen Dowd, the New York Times columnist, once won a Pulitzer Prize. Can this possibly be true? 

Yours,
Doubtful in Dulles

Dear Doubtful,

Strange as it may seem, Ms. Dowd has indeed won a Pulitzer Prize. It happened in the last year before the Pulitzer judges were forced to undergo compulsory drug and alcohol testing.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
All the big chunks of ice breaking apartin the arctic obviously proves that we need to combat global warming. What can we, as individuals, do to stop this terrible trend?

Yours,
Scared in Sacramento

Dear Scared,

If it wasn't for global warming, kid, you'd be a snack for some saber-toothed ice elephant, stalking the global tundra and chomping down frozen humans at will. Praise global warming! It's the solution, not the problem!

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
If horse racing is the sport of kings, then what is royal tennis the sport of?

Yours,
Perplexed in Pennsylvania

Dear Perplexed,

For reasons lost to history,royal tennis and horse racinglong ago traded descriptions. Thus, royal tennis is known to this day as "the sport of alcoholic gamblers and the corrupt horse-drugging bandits who feast on their failure."

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Are SUVs really as bad as people say? I want to buy one, but my wife says SUVs are planet-wrecking vessels of evil and I'm a black-hearted, loathsome ghoul.

Yours,
Wanting Wheels in Wichita

Dear Wheels,

Your wife is simply confused. She's getting SUVs mixed up with SVU and VSU both of which clearly fit her description.

Write to Mr. Know-It-All with all your questions! He'll answer several of them, eventually!

Tim Blair is an Australia-based journalist who first encountered the horror of environmentalism as a grade school student, when a bearded teacher told him that all the fossil fuel in the world was about to vanish and everybody would soon be driving electric cars. Born in 1965, he has been a senior editor at Time magazine, a columnist at Sydney's Daily Telegraph, and the editor of Sports Illustrated's Australian edition. He currently writes for various Australian newspapers and magazines, publishes Timblair.com and has owned dozens of cars and motorcycles — none of them electric.

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