I've been in the U.S. for one week, and I am finally forced to concede that there is a terrible imbalance of influence between this nation and my homeland, Australia.
You hear people screaming about this at globalization demonstrations and outside embassies. "Down with oppression," they yell. "Down with cultural hegemony!"
After seeing all the evidence, I'm on their side.
The United States has been consumed by the mighty Australian Military Industrial Complex.
Soon the U.S. will become a mere seventh Australian state, allowing its citizens to vote in important Australian elections and participate in Australia's gigantic economy.
The radio here plays nothing but Kylie Minogue, whose picture is displayed on bus stops all along Sunset Boulevard. Millions of American citizens are devoted to the antic behavior of Steve Irwin, a reptile-teasing Queenslander who has stolen Moe Howard's haircut.
Think you can escape Australia by hiding out in Nashville? No way, Hank. Yodelville is now ruled by Kasey Chambers and Keith Urban. New York? Col Allan, the Crocodile Hunter of print media, is editor of the New York Post. Hollywood? Overrun with Guy Pearce, Heath Ledger, Hugh Jackman, Naomi Watts and Eric Bana.
Ice hockey! That's bound to be free of Australian influence! Wrong again, my toothless, jaw-busted friends. Australian television producer David Hill introduced the technology that a few years ago allowed you to watch a glowing, illuminated puck on your TV screens.
I think that's now been withdrawn, but Australians also invented the Race-Cam technology that first appeared within Australian racing cars in 1979. You'll see a version of it during this month's Indianapolis 500, possibly attached to cars run by Australian Barry Green.
Even the poor U.S. boozehounds guzzling Chateau Bleeding Stomach Ulcer beneath railway bridges commonly do so from an Australian invention — the beloved wine box.
We're only threatened in our dominance of the U.S. by our cousins the Canadians, who've swept the American comedy market. Dan Ackroyd, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, and Leslie Nielsen, among many others, are America's prime laff generators.
"Good evening everyone. We’re going to begin in the Middle East tonight where the U.S. has so much at stake. The Israelis have been on the attack again against the Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat. The Israelis say they're trying to force Mr. Arafat to stop Palestinian terrorists who are killing Israelis. The Palestinians say they're making it impossible for him to do anything while his government is being attacked."
Hee hee! Jennings is hilarious!
Compared to this sweeping array of imported talent romping all over the U.S., America's global export power seems weak. Where are the American athletes crushing weak Australians in Australian Rules Football? A few years ago Aussie Rules coach Ron Barassi tried to lure some talented U.S. youngsters Downunder, but none were good enough to persist with.
Where are the U.S. film stars eager to crack the powerful Australian market? As it happens, they don't like the Australian market; the Screen Actors Guild is campaigning against the Aussie film industry.
Where are the U.S. cars in Australia? The Mustang and the Suburban were introduced a few years ago, but both tanked.
Where are the U.S. editors taking over Aussie tabloids? Ha! I'd like to see them try. John Carroll, Phil Bronstein and whoever edits the New York Times would be chewed to pulp during their first morning in an Australian newsroom. Just like Bronstein was almost eaten by a playful lizard in the LA zoo.
Phil Bronstein: the Crocodile Hunted.
So, why am I currently here in America? Why, it's simple! I'm here to complete the Australian-Globalist Invasion of the United States.
We started with the film stars and pop stars and sports stars. Next? Your government! We've long laughed at your pathetic, non-Commonwealth system. And tomorrow? We reunite you with the Crown.
Hah Hah! Steve Irwin and I say, Hah Hah Hah!
Tim Blair is an Australia-based journalist who first encountered the horror of environmentalism as a grade school student, when a bearded teacher told him that all the fossil fuel in the world was about to vanish and everybody would soon be driving electric cars. Born in 1965, he has been a senior editor at Time magazine, a columnist at Sydney's Daily Telegraph, and the editor of Sports Illustrated's Australian edition. He currently writes for various Australian newspapers and magazines, publishes Timblair.com and has owned dozens of cars and motorcycles — none of them electric.