Friends Don't Let Friends Buy Puppies When They're Drunk

“How much is that puppy in the window?”

For drunk New Yorkers the answer used to be, “WHO CARES? I’LL TAKE TWO,” but not anymore. The problem of drunk puppy buying is so rife that stores have had to crack down, and we now have a United Front Against Drunken Puppy Buying across the nation.

This is so wonderfully American I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Since I much prefer the former—that’s what I am doing.

Where else but in our great land do we have a city (New York) where can we find a half a dozen high-end pet stores selling puppies for thousands of dollars each to inebriated buyers? May I ask, why are these stores open so late, or are drunk puppy buyers shopping during normal business hours?

Clearly the foresight of a drunk puppy fondler/buyer is limited, but, as they are finding out the next day, payback’s a bitch. That would be a small bitch who has peed and pooped all over the new sisal rugs.

So, the puppy soon gets returned to his old home. (Is there a 30-day return policy?)

And, does this now make the puppy a cough-cough “shelter-type” dog? Returned, unwanted, like something’s wrong with it?

And, does the next buyer of the new/old puppy know she is getting “relinquished” goods? Do the stores tell her that the puppy was once owned by a drunk puppy buyer?

I think the writers of “Bridesmaids” and “Hangover 2” should write a screenplay about drunken puppy buyers who go to Las Vegas, try on bridemaids’ dresses, and get knocked up, all while the puppies chew their Manolos, pee on their fancy clothes, and hump funny things like the drunk guy’s head when he’s passed out.

Now that would be my kind of movie.

It might even start a cause. Like MADPB: Mothers Against Drunk Puppy Buying. Think of the gala event in Hollywood, and the stars that would come out to support it. Maybe the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will even come back.
But, all kidding aside, what I would like to know *really* is who are the non-drunk puppy store buyers? Drunks are drunk and sometimes funny, but real puppy store buyers are the ones that really need their heads checked.

Don’t they know that most of pet store puppies are bought from puppy mills sold by “breeders” who don’t care a lick –not apologizing for that-- about the dogs? Or do they just live in denial? Not MY puppy. Of course not YOUR puppy.
And that the health, or more likely ill-health (and sometimes a bad personality to boot) of your pup will only appear later, much later, long after your credit card has been swiped?

And that these stores mark up the cost of every single dog and make a living on your inability to walk away?

Puppy=commodity.

The answer is YES, they do know, and yet the stores are still in business anyway. And drunks and non-drunks alike are buying. Sigh.

It makes me want to blame someone!

Unfortunately the blame can be widely spread, to even the best intentioned among us.

Despite the fact that the Humane Society estimates between 6 and 8 million dogs and cats are killed every year in the US, that’s between 21,917 and 16,438 every day (how’s that pit in your stomach?), some rescue groups and reputable breeders make it extremely hard to buy or adopt a puppy or dog.

Between the forms people need to fill out, the interrogation of a person’s pet-owning history, or investigative home visits, an honest person who can afford a $2,000 puppy can get pretty ticked off.

They might even visit a pet store.

But, enough of that. I want to laugh, not cry!

So let’s go back to the drunk guy peering into the pet store’s window. Will his date be scantily clad? Of course. Will she be drunk too? Yup. Will he clonk his head hard on the windowpane and knock himself out? I hope so.

Jennifer Quasha is a writer and most recently the co-author of "Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Dog's Life: 101 Stories about the Ages and Stages of our Canine Companions" and "Chicken Soup of the Soul: My Cat's Life: 101 Stories about the Ages and Stages of our Feline Family Members." Check out her website at www.jenniferquasha.com.