unhappy couple in bed, angry woman, sex (Gpoint Studio)
Lots of relationships that make it past the can't-stop-won't-stop having sex phase run into scheduling issues when the dust settles. And often one person's libido is in overdrive while the other's is more...meh.
But that's okay! You're not actually doomed.
“It’s completely natural,” said Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., author of “Getting the Sex You Want.” “We don’t sleep the same amount; we don’t like the same foods; why should we want the same amount of sex?” Touché.
That being said, having different levels of desire can definitely cause some issues with your bond.
"The lower-desiring partner feels fairly content, while the higher-desiring partner might feel resentful,” said sex and relationship therapist Chris Donaghue, Ph.D.
So how do you deal?
"Like other issues of incompatible interests and passions, a couple can deal with different sex drives by showing love, commitment, and passion," Donaghue said. In other words, you've gotta do a little work.
These four sexpert-approved strategies will help you communicate your needs better and realign your libidos.
Talk about good sex.
If you know you need more foreplay, extra lube, or maybe even a sex toy to get fully excited, speak up.
“Share your fantasies and be open to trying something new,” Nelson said.
She suggests hitting up a local sex boutique and getting some inspiration from different outfits, videos, toys, and sex aids.
"Get out of your comfort zone!” Donaghue said.
Experiment.
Sometimes a lack of interest in sex is actually due to boredom with the type of sex you’ve been having, Donaghue said. So switch things up with new positions, locations, and times of day, he said. Afternoon delight, anyone? We tend to have sexual habits, like a certain way of doing foreplay, but by breaking these routines you keep things interesting and exciting.
Do it all night long.
The longer you go without sex, the harder it gets to have it again. But we're not saying you need to be banging 24/7.
“Sex is anything pleasurable that bonds a couple, including massaging, fantasizing, and even talking about sex,” Donaghue said.
It's a good idea to have the higher-desiring partner take the lead, but each partner must prioritize sex and be willing to participate, he said.
Turn each other on.
Don’t let one 24-hour period go by without doing something flirtatious, affectionate, or romantic, Donaghue said. Leave romantic notes, sext message, hold hands while driving.
"All of these hints of sex and romance have bigger impacts on keeping couples close, connected, and on the same level sexually," he said.
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