Here's what's happening, people:
On Thursday afternoon, Kendall Jenner Instagrammed what appears to be a nude photo of herself. And although she's slightly obscured by a curtain, you can make out just enough of her figure to deduce that she's barely a whisper of a person. But with Kim's butt.
Now that we all feel sufficiently fatter, let's embrace our cravings (and drown our sorrows) in a huge bowl of fettuccine bolognese, like the kind they make at Sotto 13 in New York City. If you can't make it out to the Big Apple to join us, watch the video above and learn how to make this dish at home.
The powers that be in Monterrey, Mexico, want to fine Miley Cyrus for letting a dancer spank her with a Mexican flag during a recent performance in their city. It's just too bad these repercussions are coming now, at the end of Miley's Bangerz Tour. By this point, we're guessing there's nary a national flag her butt hasn't defiled.
Speaking of Miley, Barbra Streisand told People magazine that she thinks Miley's look is "kind of wonderful," so perhaps we can expect to see Babs in some kind of gargantuan prosthetic rear-end in the near future.
Earlier this week, Alanis Morissette shared a photo of her new blonde hairdo on Instagram (below), and it looks like she only dyed half her head, leaving the roots natural. Either that, or she dyed the whole thing platinum six weeks ago and only now worked up the courage to show us:
Former "Saturday Night Live" castmember Darrell Hammond was announced as the new announcer of "SNL" following the death of long-time announcer Don Pardo. And just in case we didn't use enough variations of the word "announce" in the previous sentence, here's another: announcing.
Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea's music video for the song "Booty" was finally released on Thursday evening, and just as expected, it's about as subtle as a train wreck full of butts.
The readers of Hello! magazine have voted Victoria Beckham as the greatest style icon in the U.K. We can't really argue; we just hope that Rowan Atkinson (TV's "Mr. Bean) got his just due for this particular ensemble.
Lindsay Lohan managed to get her act together long enough to pose in her underwear for a publication called Wonderland magazine, if any of you care to see that.
"Juno" and "Inception" actress Ellen Page wore just a cape and panties for a photoshoot in the latest W magazine, and everybody can't stop talking about how rock-hard her abs are. (Heck, she could play a superhero if she was willing to slip some tights under those underpants!)
MIranda Lambert broke down in tears at a recent concert Corpus Christi while singing to a 7-year-old fan with stage IV cancer. There's video below, just in case you need a good cry today.
Chrissy Tiegen claimed on Twitter that she and husband John Legend ran into a woman he "used to bone" during their first anniversary vacation in Paris. But we have a sneaking suspicion she's run into a lot of these ladies, but John has just kept his mouth shut.
And hey, speaking of people who celebrities used to hook up with, Prince Harry is reportedly back with his old flame Cressida Bonas. So it was nice knowin' ya, You can go back to being a nobody now.
Despite her refusal to just let Leonardo DiCaprio share her makeshift raft at the end of "Titanic," Kate Winslet (and Leo, too) has vowed to help the last surviving passenger from that ill-fated voyage with her nursing home fees.
And finally, Keanu Reeves stumbled upon a home intruder this past Monday, but instead of wrestling her into submission, he calmly kept her company until police arrived. This is no doubt a difficult time for Reeves, but man, we can't help thinking how this would make a really fun "how we met" story when those two finally get married.