What happens when you put the Jersey Shore cast in Florence, Italy? Pretty much the same things that happen when you put them in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Only with more cobblestone. And burnt hair.
Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola and Ronnie Magro are split up and determined to have No More Drama! Jenni "JWoww" Farley is still with her boyfriend from last season, Roger. Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi has a new guy, Jionni. Deena Cortese has a crush on Paul "Pauly D" DelVecchio, who's planning for an "international panty raid" in Florence. Vinny Guadagnino has a hilarious non-beard that he's absurdly proud of and Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is just as creepy as ever, and he's strangely chatty about Snooki for some reason, hmm . . .
Their new home is a lavish palazzo with a foyer, a jacuzzi, and a outdoor patio near the Piazza del Duomo.
Oh, and a bidet, which Vinny explains is "very European" and "a way of cleaning your butthole."
The girls gasp in awe at the over-the-top décor, which looks an awful lot like someone took randomly pilfered samples of Snooki's wardrobe to an interior designer and said "I'll take this in a palazzo, please." Sometimes it's hard to tell where the couch ends and Snooki begins.
They're only a few hours into their new adventure before Pauly has to break out his emergency back-up hair dryer. Fortunately, Deena was on hand to clear up any confusion about voltage converters: "Is that 18000? If your voltage is 1600, you need a 2000 voltage."
But the gang is soon polished, well-lubricated and ready to check out the Italian night. JWoww points at the glowing Duomo in the distance, while Snooki excitedly runs toward the Ferris wheel in Piazza della Repubblica, which, um, is actually a merry-go-round.
Meanwhile, Mike seems surprised to learn that Snooki has a boyfriend, and tells Deena, "I know stuff that you don't know" in his delightfully gross way. As annoying as Sammi can be, she's always been able to see through "The Situatione": "Nicole's in a relationship with Jionni. Mike wants to ruin that. It's like a switch in his head. It's like a disease."
Pauly rouses everyone the next morning with the grenade horn for some Tuscan GTL, but first they've got to find a place to eat breakfast. For a while it seems like a very real possibility that Ronnie might pass out from hunger before they can figure out how to read the street map ("What's our street, again?" "Via!").
Snooki claims she can drive a stick shift, but she must have learned how to drive from the same place she learned what a Ferris wheel is, because the girls quickly get lost and have to head home to regroup. Whereupon a vicious flock of Italian pigeons, driven mad from the scent of hair spray and desperation, tear them pieces! Actually, they just sort of flap around on the patio and freak the girls out.
Mike tells Ronnie his big secret: he slept with Snooki, apparently when she was "serious" with her boyfriend. And he thinks he's developing feelings for her. Ew!
They all realize that the road to smushing Italians will be fraught with communication difficulties, which Deena plans to overcome with "a lot of hand motions, and a lot of shaking the butt." But not before burning off a chunk of her hair with a flat iron.
The guys, on the other hand, have to go through Vinnie, the only Italian speaker. When Mike/Vinny strike out with an Italian lady, Mike sets his sights on Snooki. And his hands. And his tongue. The rest of the cast and everyone on earth look on, horrified.
So that's The Big Drama for this season! Mike and Snooki. Oh, and Deena and Pauly kiss, but it was even more gross than Mike and Snooki, if you can imagine, and it's probably not going to develop into anything interesting anyway.
Taxi sono qui!
--Christine Lusey, PopNews Wire