'The Five' crashes the White House Correspondents' Dinner

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," April 30, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.


PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious.

JIMMY KIMMEL, COMEDIAN: You know, there is a term for guys like President Obama. Probably not two terms, but even some of your fellow Democrats think you're a pushover, Mr. President. They would like to see you stick to your guns. If you don't have guns they'd like you to ask Eric Holder to get some for you.

Jay, as you know, not only his press secretary, you know him as the white guy from every LensCrafters commercial.

Last week, we learned that the president's two favorite steak steaks are rib eye and seeing eye.


GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Very good. Those were some of the highlights from the White House Correspondents' Dinner. I'll ignore what happened in the cloakroom afterwards because Eric needs his privacy.

But a lot of stars were there. There was Lohan, Kardashian, and even an Obama showed up. He was adorable in person. With those ears you want to hold him like the Stanley Cup.

Dana didn't go. Apparently, she's banned since the unfortunate incident. My condolences to the waiter's family.

Yes, for some, it's a big deal to see famous people. But fame is a potion that kills common sense. When you meet a star, every odious detail in that star's life fades away and we act like giddy school girls. I watched hacks scramble for picture of sitcom stars, while gaga-eyed journos salivated over "B" list actresses. And, boy, did they tweet about it in any language that spells barf.

But while star power is neat, it fades like a whiff of perfume from a passing stranger. Take the scripted humor and charm of President Obama, both highly entertaining. But once he spirited away, you are left with concerns no toilet joke would relieve. Like no place for Bob to smoke or Kimberly constantly pawing me.


GUTFELD: Still, the only thing worse than star cross is pretending not to care. Once home, my mom -- my wife --


GUTFELD: -- my wife asked me how it went. It didn't say I had a great time. Or D.C. has a lot of transgendered sex workers. No, I said I met Clooney. It's like saying you got mugged by your own shallowness.

All right. I want to show you some pictures.

GUILFOYLE: That was funny.

GUTFELD: Well, the Freudian slip was funny.

Can we show this picture of -- you know, who they are. This is the Kardashian. You could see there, during the Pledge of Allegiance.

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: What are you looking at?

GUTFELD: I'm in the back. Show the second picture. There I am. That is the closest I get.

PERINO: What are you looking at?

GUTFELD: I don't know what I'm looking at. But more importantly, go to the third picture. What is he looking at?


GUTFELD: Yes! Interesting.


GUTFELD: You took a picture of me. Let's talk about it.

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: This is my favorite story of the weekend. First of all, we didn't have a party so we snuck in ABC party. I just wanted to document that we snuck in to ABC. So, I go, Greg, hold your beer up, I want to take a picture.

As I'm snapping the picture, , the girl in the background freaks out. She's like, whoa, she jumps away and he comes back a second later going, OK, you can take my picture now. I know you want to --

GUILFOYLE: Why didn't you just ask --

BOLLING: I said I wasn't trying to take your picture. I'm trying to take Greg's. See who that is? That's Erin Andrews of ESPN.

I was using the old joke, Greg, I want to take her pictures.

GUTFELD: That was one of the most amazing moments.

GUILFOYLE: It was sort of awkward, too, and weird. What did you guys do to Erin Andrews?

BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: If I could just point out, I lasted about halfway through this one. I have been to 17 of them. But I have never seen anybody like Eric Bolling that night. He was like a kid at Christmas.

In fact, Eric send me an e-mail and I got back to him. He said, it was perhaps the greatest day of my life. I'm sure he means after he got married or had a child. But it was unbelievable.

Bolling was over every place. Taking picture of everybody.

My favorite moment, though, was George Clooney came by. Everybody wanted their picture with him. I said to him, hey, Clooney, why does everybody want a picture with you? He laughed. I gave him credit for that.

GUILFOYLE: He is very nice. He came over to the FOX table and he was talking to Kevin Spacey. Can you come over and meet the FOX table? You love everybody here.

He was very nice. He said hello to everyone.

Greg, you wanted to meet him. You said I'm not going to get up and go over there. I go fine, I'll bring him to you.

GUTFELD: The guy is very nice. Di d you have a picture you want to --

GUILFPOYLE: Yes, there are some pictures up there. So, there's Andrea, Jehmu, and George and Porter. I don't know, Porter is not too excited about George. But Andrea loves Reese Witherspoon. That's her favorite actress. How are we going to find her? We got the book, which shows where everybody is. Great shot.

GUTFELD: Reese looks thrilled.

GUILFOYLE: So ,we went - yes. We went to find her. We tracked her. It was like a full stalking mission.

We also found my first husband by accident. She's like Gavin. It was like very interesting.

GUTFELD: There's so many to pick from.

BECKEL: Dana, why didn't you go?

PERINO: Well, it's always an honor to be invited. It's just not my thing. Right, I am loneliest in a crowd.

It's always freezing cold. You can never get in any of the parties. It takes forever. I had an honor to go seven years in a row, I loved it.

But I haven't been since. So, what I did is I watched "Veep," highly recommended. "Bridesmaids."

GUTFELD: You watched "Veep"?

PERINO: I liked it a lot.

GUTFELD: Really?

PERINO: "Bridesmaids" and then I watched the last half hour of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and my husband came home from two-week trip and my role is never miss a homecoming.

GUILFOYLE: He is a good boy.

Where's my picture with my sister from another mother, Tia Vergara who I love.

PERINO: In watching all that, though, you know that in one of those magazine I get, there is, they are just like us segment. It was like a whole version of that in reality.

BOLLING: Eric also went up to Mrs. Obama and Secret Service went up like this, and she went --

BOLLING: No, here's exactly what happened. I'll do it. I wasn't going to do it.

So, the stage is up there. It's well-lit. The room is kind dark. And I could tell that Michelle Obama, Mrs. Obama is being spoken to on both sides. She wanted no part of that.

She's looking in the room. So, I put my hand up and I wave like this. And she goes like this, she can't really see. She waves at me two hands. And then realized that she is waving to the FOX table, she goes like this.

BECKEL: Got to go.

GUILFOYLE: We were close to them, too, by the way.

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