You know, this got such an overwhelming response and created so much buzz last night on Fox Business Network that I feel I must share with you all today.
Wait? You don't have Fox Business?
Alas, some of you have demanded it, but gotten nowhere. But that's no reason to be left out of what could easily be the most useful, most YouTubed, most you-gotta-hear-this advice administered to anyone, anywhere, at anytime, maybe, in the history of man.
Yes, this is about and for men. That's right men, this is for you; all of you. And ladies, I don't care if you think I'm being sexist. On this subject, I am -- so get over it. And by the way, you don't need this advice. Men do. So, live with it.
Guys, I've had enough of it: Your clueless look wandering around malls; your total inability to make a Christmas gift decision as if your life depended on it. That list you don't have. That idea you clearly don't have. And that clue you most certainly don't have.
You're pathetic. You need some stern shopping advice and you need it now.
So before you head out to the stores and make an ass of yourself, sit down and listen to what I'm about to tell you so you don't make an ass of yourself.
Here now, once again, my annual "Holiday Shopping Tips for Men, Version 2009":
• Tip 1: Get the Dumb Look Off Your Face
You look like a babe in the retail woods and merchants know your number. And unlike Bambi's mom, there's no one to protect you.
• Tip 2: Blink Fast
Believe me, it works. Fast blinkers look determined and sometimes crazy. Salesmen don't rush to pounce on either, particularly if you're determined and crazy. Which naturally leads to tip three.
• Tip 3: Caffeine
Load up. You need to be jazzed. You need to be wired. Bottom line, you're on a mission from hell, you need to be as high as a kite. Make it two mocha grandes and let her rip!
• Tip 4: Think 'Kiosk'
I can't tell you the variety of cheeses and processed meats that go begging at mall kiosks. You'll never find a line, or a woman there; no self-respecting shopper would. But you have zero self respect. Go there.
• Tip 5: Don't Look Around
Losers look around and sales folks look for losers who look around. They're like ducks to Dick Cheney on a weekend hunt: easy pickings.
• Tip 6: Have a List
You don't have to actually have things written on that list. Just make it look like you know what you're looking for, even though you don't. People don't mess with people with lists.
• Tip 7: Avoid Sales Racks
You heard me right. Stay away. You don't belong there. Women congregate there. And they know sales. You don't. So step back and step out. Which brings me to tip eight.
• Tip 8: Pay Full Price
I know, no one pays full price. But you're not no one. You're nobody. You're a fool. Fools don't know what they're looking for. They just want to get out of the mall in one piece, and if that means paying full price to make it happen, well, pay full price and make it happen.
• Tip 9: Speed Trumps Sales
If you're on a long line to pay for that sweater for your wife, and the woman behind you taps you on your shoulder and politely reminds you the same sweater is half the price at the store on the other end of the mall, politely remind her, "Yeah, but lady, it's at the other end of the mall. I'll pay full price here." Then tell her to mind her own damn business.
• Tip 10: Perfume
You get a lot of bang for your buck with perfume. I call it the gift that keeps giving. For reasons I cannot fathom, it's the only thing guys can purchase where they give you extra stuff for purchasing it: Soaps, carrying cases, sometimes even more cheap perfume to go with the cheap perfume you just bought. I'm telling you: It's a scented slam-dunk.
Ok, guys, there you go. Now get your caffeinated, fast-blinking, earnest-looking, on-a-mission-from-God, not-stopping-for-any-sales, happy-to-pay-full-price shopping butts out there.
I'm counting on you. Now make me proud.
Oh, and by the way, tonight on Fox Business, time for the ladies. You heard me: Fair and balanced, I offer pointers to the fairer sex -- only on Fox Business.
You don't get it?
— Watch Neil Cavuto weekdays at 4 p.m. ET on "Your World with Cavuto" and send your comments to firstname.lastname@example.org