Your Own Waste Could Be an Amazing Investment Opportunity

Talk about a coincidence: a 3-pound pile of dung from the Jurassic period has just been auctioned off for nearly $1,000. Meanwhile, Barbara Walters has a new memoir detailing her sordid affairs and hairstyles. So, on one hand you have a really old pile of poo, and on the other, a really old pile of poo.

Steve Tsengas, who runs a waste removal company, bought the 130-million-year-old excrement and plans to display the turd for all to see.

What does this mean?

It means all horrible things somehow become less horrible, as they age. Including crap. Think about it: Noam Chomsky, Ted Turner, Fidel Castro and Jimmy Carter were all creeps filled with mangy ideas, but as their hair went white, suddenly people found them respectable. Even an annoying toad like Barbara Walters has become a saintly relic.

Perfect for my coffee table.

But this got me thinking of an overlooked investment opportunity that lurks in our own waste. Well, not my waste, but celebrity crap. Seriously, how much would a stool from a deceased president go for? A "Lincoln log" could probably buy me a new trailer for my houseboys. Hell, I'd take a "Cleveland steamer," at this point.

So, I'm starting a new business called "Poop Stars" and I'm asking celebs to send me their you-know-what — which I will keep in a storage facility. Then when I auction it, we split the profits. We'll be flush with cash.

Laugh now, people. But when I'm the B.M. billionaire, who'll be full of crap then?

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: