Why Sex Scenes in Movies Should Be Banned

In Italy, a debate has erupted over sex scenes in mainstream films. Italian Bishops say gratuitous sex in films — the kind that usually feature a shirtless Michael Douglas — harm impressionable youth — since most lack the context of love or tenderness.

Of course, we all know that it's the lack of love or tenderness that makes great sex. But even though Catholic bishops talking sexual morality is kinda odd, they've got a point — but for different reasons.

Sex scenes in films should be banned not because they're immoral, but because they are terrible. Usually they are the most uncomfortable five minutes of any film — something that always leaves me squirming nervously next to my date, who is almost always my mom. The actors go out of their way to be sexy. And when people try to be sexy, they end up looking stupid.

I can't remember a single movie where the sex scene actually mattered. And I'm including "Son of Flubber." Fact is, sex scenes are there not to improve the movie, but to generate buzz prior to its release. The golden rule: the more press is devoted to an onscreen coupling, the more likely the film blows. Of course, the only exception is "Tango & Cash." Kurt and Sly seemed so natural together.

And if you disagree with me, then you, sir, are worse than Hitler!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com