What Exactly Qualifies Someone as an Expert?

People often come up to me and ask me the same questions over and over again: "Is that a scar?" and "How come you don't have experts on 'Red Eye'?" The answers: It's actually a birthmark and experts are phonies.

The easiest way to pawn yourself off as an expert? Tell people you're an expert. Then go on a talk show. Sex experts, steroid experts, latte experts — they're all shams.

On Thursday, an expert on domestic violence whose previous appearances include "Dr. Phil" and "Nancy Grace" was been arrested for... domestic violence. Dean Tong was picked up after his wife called the cops over an argument that turned physical. This wasn't his first arrest — he'd also been busted in 2001 for domestic violence. So maybe that does make him an expert, after all.

I bring up this story to illustrate a simple truth: With 500 TV channels and countless talking heads needed to fill time, no one really checks. I have, after all, pawned myself off on a number of shows as a relationship expert. If you only knew how my exes feel about that! Thankfully, they can't talk because they're goats, yaks and that one Komodo dragon. Although to be fair, he was quite articulate.

And if you disagree with me, then you're a probably a racist and worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com