Time to Treat Squirrels and Rats Equally

It was huge news in the world of squirrels and the nuts who eat them: In January, the EPA warned folks to stop eating squirrels that live near a toxic waste dump in North Jersey.

The odd thing, right off the bat, is that you would actually need to warn people not to do this. I mean, why eat a squirrel near a toxic dump when there's an Applebee's nearby? You know their baby back ribs? Real babies.

Anyhow, the reason for the panic: The EPA found lead in a few dead squirrels. So they issued warnings. Now they're saying the lead actually came from the blender used to test the squirrel's tissue samples. So, it's okay to return to your squirrel-eating habits.

Which leads to a larger point about our dietary choices, which are governed by what I call "tail discrimination."

The fact is, the only reason we eat squirrels — instead of rats — is because squirrels are hotter. When you think about it, squirrels are just rats with sexier tails.

I think it's time we put aside our bigoted notions of what makes for attractive tail and treat rats and squirrels equally.

Let's start Saturday. Barbecue at my place — noon. I'll supply the meat, you bring your appetite. And handcuffs, in case it's rained out!

And that's my gut feeling!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com