The Beautiful Rule the Plain

According to a top scientist, in about 1000 years humans will split into two species: One will be an attractive, intelligent ruling elite. The other, an underclass of stupid, ugly, creatures.

The handsome men will have more symmetrical faces, deeper voices and bigger penises.

The hot women will have shiny hair, smooth, hairless skin, large eyes, pert breasts and cup-holders.

I'm not surprised by this split, because it's happening already.

The fact is gorgeous people mate with gorgeous people and ugly people stick to their repulsive ilk.

The only exception is ugly and powerful men — the Donald Trumps and Larry Kings — who use their wealth to entrap lingerie models into a life of joyless reproduction. They produce adorable children, until you peel back their amazing lifelike skin coating and find the ugly troll inside, working the levers.

Look, the beautiful already rule the plain. It's not about race, it's about face. This is why we take special glee in the failings of Paris, Lindsey and Britney — it's payback for their hotness opening doors closed for us.

We gleefully await their downfall, so they might finally sleep with us.

Remember this, fellow uglies: If we don't enslave the beautiful now, they will enslave us later. As a plain man, I've already soundproofed my basement and set traps outside Anderson Cooper's house.

And that's my gut feeling!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: