What do serial shooters and suicide bombers have in common?
It's not religious fervor or a rejection of the West. It's a hatred for life, stemming from a lack of sexual opportunity.
• No time for casual sex? Watch Greg's Greg-alogue!
The possibility of sex is what gets men out of bed in the morning. It's what causes men to build things and work out. But, when there is no possibility, it's what causes men to destroy things and stop bathing.
Democracy is sweet, but it's not seductive. If anything, it's the superficial greatness of America — our stupid sex-drenched pop culture — that converts people to freedom, not speeches about freedom.
The solution to hatred against the West is not democracy, but something simpler: airdropping sex packages.
Well, maybe not sex packages, but care packages that offer a sampling of the very best of America. I am referring to Van Halen 1, some HoHos and the entire catalog of AC/DC. I know, they're Australian — but Australia really is an American state, with wallabies.
We should also send 20 years worth of Playboy. Sure, it's cheesy, but have you seen the articles? They're crap, but I read them for the naked pictures. Plus, Playboy could probably make more headway in a burqa-burdened society, than a forum with Tom Friedman.
Casual sex isn't the solution for terror. But the potential for it is.
Sex offers more opportunity for wishful, pointless thinking than anything else in life — and without it, you're left with a lot of angry men whose genitals stink of goats.
And that's my gut feeling.