No Wonder Newspapers Are in the Crapper

So, in yet another fine example of daring investigative journalism by our nation's high school paper, USA Today put on their front page the bold headline, "What Kind of First Lady Will Michelle Obama Be?"

Well, if it's a USA Today piece, you know they're going to raise some shocking possibilities! For example:

Will she be a modern day Jackie Kennedy?

Will she redecorate?

Will she be a loving mother, who tries to keep it real by cooking burritos?

Is she actually a serial killer, using the first lady moniker as a brilliant cover to perform her grisly deeds?

Yes, yes, yes, yes and I wish.

See, I love USA Today for never letting me down in their predictable predictable-ness. They lead the pack in Alzheimer's journalism, in that they keep reporting the same story over and over again, as if it has never happened before!

Oh look! It's snowing in Buffalo! In January! And hey, with Christmas approaching, time to break out those "How to deal with holiday stress" features! Somebody get a quote from Dr. Phil!

And you wonder why newspapers are in the crapper.

With the exception of a few journalists, most are Lazy Larrys pumping out the same old crud, rather than doing anything new. Worse, their idea of risk taking is lamer than something really lame. I mean, if I had a dollar for every hack who spent a night being homeless for a story, I'd have like at least twenty bucks — and they'd all smell funny.

And if you disagree with it, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com