Heroism Is Going to the Dogs

So a 3-year-old golden retriever has been named Dog of the Year by the ASPCA.

Toby — a dog rescued from the pound — is credited with saving his owner Debbie from choking on an apple in her kitchen. Toby rushed to her, jumped on her chest and dislodged the fruity chunk. For these heroics, he won the award, which he promptly peed on.

And I would too.

I'm sorry, but do you really think this dog knew what he was doing?

Animals operate on one mode only: hunger. Every instinct is guided by the need to stuff its face and the only reason Toby jumped on Debbie was because he wanted that apple.

Sorry to burst your bubble animal lovers, but animals react only to survive.

We all want to believe animals have good intentions and that they think the same way we think. But they don't.

I love dogs. Some doctors say I love them too much. But even I know the only reason why they wag their tail is because they know if they don't, I might eat them… or worse, dress them as my favorite Spice Girl.

But hey, they wouldn't do it if they weren't really into it.

And that's my gut feeling!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com