GRRR! Paris Hilton in Lock-Up

Paris Hilton should thank her publicist for getting her sent to prison.

Instead, the heiress and her longtime mouthpiece, Elliot Mintz, have parted ways after he told her it was OK to drive her Bentley with a suspended license if she was driving for work purposes.

Umm, Paris, suspended means suspended, no matter what the destination.

As we say in the news business, if your momma says she loves you, check it out.

But despite the "cruel and unfair" punishment, as Paris calls it, it sure as heck beats dying, doesn't it?

Just ask Anna Nicole Smith, River Phoenix, Chris Farley, Elvis Presley and any number of others whose lives in the fast lane turned into fatal "crashes."

Hilton has been on a collision course for quite some time. Her hard-partying ways have been well documented for years. It was only a matter of time before something terrible happened to her, or one of her friends.

Going to jail could save her life.

After Smith died of a lethal combination of prescription drugs in February, tongues began wagging about who would be next. Celeb watchers came out in droves with dire warnings for Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris.

Jail will be good for Hilton. Just ask Naomi Campbell, whose diary of her time spent sweeping floors as part of her community service plea deal details how she was forced to focus on something other than herself.

"I have no responsibility," W magazine quotes from the journal this month. "I have no phone. I have time to just think."

Campbell goes on to say that after her much-publicized stint as a janitor, she got rid of all the "yes" people in her life.

"I've gotten away from them," she writes. "All the agents, assistants, people who would never tell me the truth and watch me destroy myself."

Inadvertently, Mintz probably saved Paris from a similar downhill spiral. God knows, we can't credit her mother or father for pointing her in the right direction.

In all my years of watching the Paris Hilton train wreck, I found it odd that the heiress was rarely photographed with her parents.

Ironic, then, that when mom Kathy Hilton finally does appear with her daughter, she doesn't inspire great parenting by having Paris take responsibility for her actions and face the music, but instead cynically asks the judge for his autograph after sentencing was revealed.

"This is like a pathetic reality show," is what she reportedly added.

No, Mrs. Hilton. It's not a show. It may be pathetic, but it's no show.

And it's about time your beautiful little girl understands that. Two weeks or so in the slammer will do the trick.

GRRR! Advice

Since Mintz is out, allow me to give Paris some public relations advice.

Go Now

Don't wait until June 5 to begin serving time. Go now. Take a page out of the Martha Stewart playbook and get it over with as soon as possible. If you hurry up, you probably will be out in time for Independence Day.

Silence Is Golden

While in jail, don't talk to the press, and don't say anything that you don't want to appear in the tabloids to any of your so-called friends who visit you.

Don't talk about your fellow inmates, because the wrong quote in Page Six is bound to get your butt kicked.

Serve With Dignity

Be better than what you've been thus far in your public persona. Don't denounce the justice system, because it's the same one every other American has to deal with. Even if you think you're better than the little people, you're not. But you can be by setting a fine example as a model prisoner.

Take the Private Room

California jails offer private cells and showers, along with slightly better food, for a fee of $100 a day. Take the upgrade and lie low. Try reading a book or two. Here's a suggestion.

Ditch the Bentley

When Paris was driving under a suspended license, she attracted police attention to herself because she forgot to put her headlights on at night. Hilton drives a $200,000 silver 2007 Bentley Continental GTC Convertible.

Even Toyotas come equipped with daytime running lights.

Get On 'Oprah'

On day 46, get on a plane and head directly to Chicago for a live interview on "Oprah." While on, tell the talk show queen you've learned a valuable lesson, that you're cutting all ties with the likes of Brandon Davis, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie, that you've rehired Elliot Mintz, whom you bring out to the set with you and that you're taking your trust fund and going away for a long, long time.

While you're at it, apologize to the judge on your mother's behalf.

My Fee

For services rendered, please make a check in the amount of $50,000 to Grrr! Guy Crisis Management.

Video: Mike Straka visits FOX & Friends First to Talk Paris

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