Everything's Coming Up Rosie

It is not April third. I wish it were, but it isn't. I wish I could skip all the days between now and then, but I can't.

I understand the principle of delayed gratification. I know that time passes at the same measured rate no matter how slow it seems. I realize that good things come to those who wait.

Yet I am still on edge. I want it to be April third, dammit! I want the first issue of Rosie, the magazine, to be on the newsstands. I want to hand over my money and pick up my copy and read it until I have committed the articles to memory.

You know Rosie, don't you? Rosie O'Donnell, daytime talk show host? You watch her show and you see these interviews with people who are supposed to be celebrities, but not only haven't you heard of them, you haven't even heard of the TV shows they're on or the networks that carry the shows. Or the movies they're in or the studios that release the movies.

Of course, sometimes her guests really are celebrities. Like Barbra Streisand, who makes Rosie cry. Or Tom Cruise, who makes Rosie slobber. Or Madonna, who gives Rosie a great big hug and gets one right back. Rosie is a celebrity herself, you know. Fame by association.

And like a lot of famous people, Rosie has decided she wants to be something more. She wants to be an empire. She has taken over McCall's magazine, renamed it after herself, and is setting out to emulate the success of Oprah, another daytime-talker-turned-periodical-eponym.

And I, for one, cannot wait. As Peg Tyre writes in this week's Newsweek, Rosie is this "wisecracking, sometimes grating, polarizingly political and self-described Cheez Whiz addict." I've been hoping someone like that would put out a magazine ever since, well ... ever since I first slopped some Cheez Whiz onto a piece of bread.

In fact, I'm also hoping that even more celebrities will come out with magazines. There is a vast, untapped market in this country for such things — and that's what celebrities do, isn't it? They tap markets, brand themselves into the public consciousness.

Here, to be specific, are some of the magazines I would most like to see:

Arnold. Combines helpful hints on body-building with pointers on marrying into a wealthy family of the opposite political persuasion.

Roseanne. Combines helpful hints on making the transition from sitcom star to talk-show host with pointers on how to find that next, really meaningful job.

Pamela. Combines helpful hints on how to make a career out of your breasts with more helpful hints on how to make a career out of your breasts.

A-Rod. A magazine for aspiring young athletes, featuring articles like: "How Do You Hit With Power to the Opposite Field?" "How Do You Make the Throw from Short to First on a Slow Roller?" And "What Countries Should You Buy With Your First Free-Agent Contract?"

Clinton. A magazine for aspiring young politicians, featuring articles like: "Free Trade, the Global Economy and the Future of Capitalism." "The Role of the Presidential Veto in a Constitutional Democracy." And "Never Use a Credit Card at a Motel."

Downey, Jr. A magazine for aspiring young actors, featuring articles like: "Finding the Inner Core of Your Character." "Finding the Essence of the Screenplay and Bringing It to Life." And "Finding a Bail Bondsman With Reasonable Interest Rates."

Darva. For the blushing bride, a magazine chock-full of advice for the big day, such as: Always meet your husband, or at least run a security check on him, before you say "I do."

Kathie Lee. Mostly blank pages.

As far as I know, none of these magazines is even under consideration, much less at the printer's. So, for the time being at least, I will have to content myself with Rosie. Only a few more days.

By the way, I hear that, in the first issue, there's a story about Uma Thurman's favorite charities.

I can't tell you how long I've been wondering.