Dennis Miller on FOX News' 13th Birthday, Pelosi's Meeting with Dalai Lama and 'Dancing' Tom DeLay

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," October 7, 2009. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: As we mentioned at the top of the program, it is happy birthday to us. We're 13 years old. FOX News began operations on October 7, 1996. I have been here from the beginning and believe the success of "The Factor," at least, is because we're honest and base our opinions on facts.

Joining us now from Los Angeles is a man who has helped put "The Factor" in the No. 1 slot, Westwood One radio star Dennis Miller. OK. Let's start with why some Americans, particularly in the media — that drives it — hate FNC. Why do they hate us?

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DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Because they don't watch it. I've told you this before, Bill. I cannot tell you — first off, you get people who dig you on the road. But when I do have somebody who says they don't dig you, I say, "Well, do you watch it? What don't you dig about it?" Invariably they say, "I would never give that guy the satisfaction of watching." Now, where do you go from there?

O'REILLY: They're talking about you or me?

MILLER: I don't know. Probably me in the micro and you in the macro. But I mean, how does Rachel Maddow judge this to be a bad network if she's never seen it? So it's just a silly argument. It's animus absentia.

O'REILLY: OK, but there are people who really, really despise the network, and they do what. Most of them are television critics. You know, there are a lot of academics, a lot of professors, high school teachers, things like that. So look, you've got this network, and it's a lively presentation almost across the board. You don't have to agree. We like people who disagree with us. The hatred toward FOX News is far and beyond any other network in the history of television. It's the hatred factor that I'm not quite sure about. What do you think drives it?

MILLER: Billy, the hatred from TV critics is this. How much self-loathing do you have to become a TV critic to begin with? You're sitting at home on the couch, watching TV for a living, and your job dictates, because it's by far the most popular network, you have to sit at home in your undies for $60K a year and watch something you hate. Of course they're going to transfer that hate to you guys. They hate — they hate what they do for a living.

O'REILLY: How many people do you know in California that if they disagree with you politically don't like you? I mean, you're an outspoken guy. But I know you have friends who are liberal people. And, you know, most of my friends, if they disagree with me, they still like me. Obviously, they wouldn't be friends. But there is a component in America that if you disagree with them, they hate you. And I'm just wondering how prevalent that is.

MILLER: I don't find it that much really. My good friends are my good friends. My, you know, people who I don't get along with any more, that's fine. You know, it really doesn't bother me if they're going to be that small-minded about it. But can I give you my theory on FOX in general? We're talking about the negatives. We're talking about...

O'REILLY: Talk about the positive. Why do they love us? Why are we so popular?

MILLER: Billy, I deal with it like a long piece of straightaway. Like that road between Barstow and Vegas. Cable news is a long straightaway. And on the left lane, MSNBC has gone completely over the shoulder, over the breastplate, over the hip, over the knee, over the ankle, over the bunion. They are so far out there now that, quite frankly, Magellan and Onstar can't locate them.

Now, CNN, they've been around the longest. They're sort of like that old, faded yellow line down the middle of the road. Now periodically, a rumble strip breaks out for the elections or something like that or debates. But by and large, you know, if people — people know it. They're familiar with it. You know, if they flip through quickly and Wolf Blitzer, they might even think they're watching a rerun of, you know, "Hunt for Red October," because he looks like the U-boat commander.

Now, on the right side, granted, FOX I believe is in the right lane, but you've still got rubber on the road. Hannity has gone off road, and Beck, he's way down the road. But for the most part, you, Cavuto, Greta, Bret, you've still got rubber on the road. And I think credibility is like a baseball diamond in a cornfield. If you build it, they will come.

O'REILLY: OK.

MILLER: ...trust it.

O'REILLY: I disagree with you in two ways there. Hannity represents the Republican Party. He's a Reagan Republican. So the Republicans are going to watch Sean. And there's nothing wrong with having somebody on the air that represents the Republican Party. So he's not off the rails anywhere. He's a Republican.

Beck is successful, fabulously successful because he's just a guy. He's not a journalist. He's a guy. The first time we've ever had a guy, OK, who doesn't pretend to be anything other than a guy who loves his country and says, "You know what? Everyday, I'm going to tell you what I think. It may not be what you think, but it's just from me." People want to watch people they identify with, and they identify with Beck.

MILLER: All right. Let me ask you this, Billy. If I come on here and I poke a little fun at Beck, the fact is, it's permitted on FOX.

O'REILLY: Right, it's permitted.

MILLER: ...marching orders.

O'REILLY: I poke fun at them.

MILLER: If I moved onto another station and poked fun at their big guy, I'd be so out of that.

O'REILLY: All right.

MILLER: Let me give you the — let me give you the key reason why FOX is successful. Roger Ailes is an absolute genius at hiring women who are so beautiful, but even smarter than they are beautiful. So nobody can make the accusation that he's using them strictly...

O'REILLY: Ailes has always been a guy who hired very smart women and very dumb men, which is how I got the job. OK.

MILLER: Bingo.

O'REILLY: Dalai Lama visits Pelosi. But Obama will not see him. You say?

MILLER: I don't know. I guess he put the "Hello, Dalai" off until December, because he's got to saddle up with Jintao, the bad guy, in November. I can't understand why they tortured him and took him in to see Pelosi for God's sakes. She's pulled so tight she looks quasi-Mandarin. He must've thought it was an interrogation when they pulled him in there.

Barack Obama and his administration is in this weird place now, where I'm beginning to think of him as, like, a color-blind NFL quarterback who throws accurately, but he's throwing to the wrong team. Somebody's got to dial him in on the team. The Dalai is waiting in the waiting room. McChrystal is out in the waiting room. Chavez walks right up with a book. He'll meet with him without any conditions. We've fallen through some bunny hole here. We've got to get — we've got to get the rosters right.

O'REILLY: OK. I'm going to skip over Afghanistan, because we've done too much of it tonight already, and get to one of your favorite guys, and favorite shows, Tom DeLay on "Dancing with the Stars." Poor Tom, I guess, hurt his foot, and he's gone. But he's — he made quite an impression. Did he not, Miller?

MILLER: Man, listen, I don't have anything against DeLay, but I'm glad he's out of there. Because that's a pretty sexy show, and he was definitely a buzz kill. It's like seeing one of the town elders in "Footloose" turning up in porn some day. And you know what I disliked the most, is when DeLay would make the conscious decision to begin dancing. Did you ever see that moment, where he starts to twitch and the motherboard was sparking? And then he'd have that conscious thing like the varsity club in high school when they would dance in the Bachman Turner Overdrive. And you'd see them thinking, "OK, 1, 2, 3."

O'REILLY: He's thinking about the steps. He's thinking about it.

MILLER: That was too weird. Listen, it was so non-sexy that Bruno Tonioli, the gay judge, actually has announced he's going straight after watching DeLay.

O'REILLY: OK, but you've got to give him credit for having cojones.

MILLER: Yes. He's a genius. He's a genius. I'd give up everything in my life for him. He's a brilliant guy.

O'REILLY: Would you wear red pants like that? Come on. Would you wear them?

MILLER: Only — only when I'm watching the show at home.

O'REILLY: Because I know in your closet you have disco pants. I know you do. Would you go on that "Dancing With the Stars"? Can you do that?

MILLER: You know what? I thought about it, Billy, and part of me would like to. But I don't think — I don't think I'm fit enough. I'd have to get fitter. I don't want to end up with a broken metatarsal like him. For God's sakes, you came off like Thumper. You know, you've got to be fit to go on that show. You should go on that show.

O'REILLY: I'm in shape. I mean, I — you know. I would be thinking about the dance steps.

MILLER: If we're to continue — if we're going to continue as friends, when we're on TV, never, ever say the words, "I'm in shape" like that to me again, all right?

O'REILLY: Dennis Miller, everybody. He has red pants.

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