Brazilian to Blame for Loss of Lice?

I want to talk about crabs.

Right now, a Dutch museum is having trouble getting crab lice for its collection and fears these little insects are dying out. The museum is asking for a donor, whose anonymity is guaranteed.

Why have crab lice died out? Well, they are neither attractive or popular. Crickets have cartoons, spiders have nursery rhymes — even a motion picture has been made about ants. But no one's put a cute face on pubic lice.

I blame the Brazilians... or rather, "The Brazilian" — the famed bikini wax, which removes nearly all the hair down there, destroying the lice-y lair.

Sounds great right?

But what if we weren't talking about your bikini area, but bamboo forests. Then it wouldn't be lice that were dying, it would be giant pandas.

Don't you see? Pandas are the pubic lice of the forest. The same way they became nearly extinct, as bamboo was depleted, is exactly what's happening all over the world with the deforestation of hot women.

The question is whether we continue to sit idly until crabs no longer exist or we take action to prevent this decline.

If anyone cares to join me in this cause, please meet me in Bryant Park at 3 a.m. I'll be by the restroom, holding a clear plastic bag and a pair of tweezers.

Dass ist mein Darmgefuehl!

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: