Birthdays Are for Presents, Not Charity

Recently, The New York Times ran a story on a new trend in kid's birthday parties: Instead of getting them presents, the parents donate the cash to charity.

This makes me want to throw up.

• The gift that keeps giving: Watch Greg's Greg-alogue

Because although this new fad is designed to teach philanthropy and altruism, what it's really doing is making pathetic parents feel good about themselves.

If my parents did that when I was little, I would have "Menendezed" their asses, probably after reporting them to the police and saying they "touched" me. Because, really, the whole point of birthdays — as a kid — is to eat cake and get stuff. Lots of stuff, cool stuff that lights up and makes noise and takes up too much room in your playroom or, if your childhood was like mine, your cage.

Charity is great, of course, but like educational books, Swedish wooden blocks and your uncle who smells like whisky, it has no place at a birthday party.

This retarded fad is akin to force-fed philanthropy — which can only make people hate it and done precisely so all the other children's parents know how caring the party-givers are.

This is all part of the noxious feel-good mentality — that as long as your actions are quote unquote "for a good cause," who can complain?

I can. And your kids can.

The best memories of my life are of my birthdays: When I got my first bike, my outfielder's mitt, my anatomically correct Ken doll.

Take that away from a child and all he has is a tax-write off and a chip on his shoulder.

And that's my gut feeling.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: