Be a Rebel With a Cause!

At the premiere party for the film "Captivity," guests were greeted with the Suicide Girls.

I'm never invited to crap like that, but no matter, I know who these girls are — they're annoying, Goth-punk chicks who champion uniqueness through tattoos, piercing and bisexual posturing. I imagine they also self-mutilate, since that's pretty deep too.

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Lately, being a rebel means defacing yourself or doing midget porn. But the more rebellious these girls act, the dumber they look. Because this rebellion is really manufactured childishness: Doing stupid things to piss off authority.

You think you're speaking truth to power, but you're just getting back at "daddy." Problem is, there is no "daddy" anymore, because the adult world no longer acts grown-up. And so you see 50-year-old women getting dolphin tattoos on their ankles and fat old men wearing board shorts and wallet chains.

They should be pushed into rivers.

This non-conformity is purely conformist. All these rebels look and act the same — spouting relativistic nonsense through silver tongue studs. Why do they proclaim their individuality, but look identical?

It's because they're fake. Real rebels face consequences for their rebellion: They are ridiculed, shamed, shot.

Here in the U.S., you can get rich faking it — look at Marilyn Manson — who tries so hard to be shocking. But Play-Doh is edgier.

Real rebels are people who work hard. Love their parents. And fight for their beliefs, preferably in the military. Those folks are far cooler than self-harming skanks.

And that's my gut feeling.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com