So Seattle Parks and Recreation wants to ban beach bonfires. The reason? Global warming.
They actually believe that lighting small fires on the beach makes the planet warmer.
Now, let's be clear: There is no science to back this up. If anything, bonfires probably reduce global warming by encouraging people to get drunk and make out on blankets, instead of driving their SUVs around town trying to score crank.
Which brings me to my next point: Bonfires are fun.
My best memories spring from those cool summer nights at the beach, drinking Boone's Farm around a fire, trying to get to third base with a starfish. Oh how their legs would grow back!
And so, here is yet another example of hysteria-driven activists trying to curb something fun in order to placate their own guilt. It's funny how they never want to ban the fun stuff that rich, elitist environmentalists indulge in. No one seeks to outlaw private jets — a must for Laurie David when traveling city to city to make speeches about how awful SUVs are.
But hey, if you think bonfires harm the environment, then consider that over 4 million acres of land burned every year, just in America. Wikipedia calls them "wildfires." But because these fires are natural, that's okay. And that's the gist for the simple minded tree-hugger: Nature is always good, but if it's manmade, it's got to be bad. Even if it's fire.
And that's just dumber than seagull poop.
And if you disagree with me, then may your herpes get herpes.