As a media insider, I'm often wined and dined at the most fashionable restaurants: Bennigan's, Applebee's, The Outback — home to the bloomin' Onion, which is my nickname for their bartender, Seth. He has so many layers and sometimes he makes me cry.
But when I'm out, I'm always told to order the seafood.
"Try the Chilean sea bass — it's sea-licious!"
"You must have the shark fin soup — it's fin-credible!"
"Have you tried the prawns — they're prawn-derful!"
Look, I don't eat seafood… ever. And for good reason. Folks say fish is good if it doesn't smell "fishy." I don't say that about steak: "Hey, this doesn't smell steaky."
Fish stink because they come from a giant toilet. People pee in the sea. No one pees on cows, unless the cow asks for it on Craigslist.
And shellfish? Any smaller, they would be roaches. However, a tiny cow is just a meat ball. Yum.
But whenever I say I don't eat seafood, some chum says, "How do you know you don't like it?" The whole idea that you have to try something before making a judgment is moral laziness. And this refusal to close your mind prevents you from seeing what's wrong with the world — or more important, other cultures.
Female circumcision is wrong, but I don't need my clitoris removed to find out.
Wearing burqas seems wrongly repressive, but how would I know? I spend all day in an edible thong.
I also find prison rape to be reprehensible, but I've never experienced that either. Not yet anyway. Fingers crossed!
Bottom line is: I don't have to eat fish to know I don't want to eat fish. And if you have a problem with that, then you sir, are worse than Hitler.
Dass ist mein Darmgefuehl!