Tuesday's special elections will be widely interpreted to be a test of President Trump's popularity going into the 2020 election. But the president's chances will depend an awful lot on which Democrat runs against him, on who gets the nomination.
Sadly for the president, his opponent will almost certainly not be Medium blogger, Beto O'Rourke. He is polling at about 2 percent. That's good news for America by the way. How do we know?
This weekend, O'Rourke spoke at the New Hampshire Democratic Party Convention. He spoke for just about 10 minutes. It was amazing how much lunacy he managed to cram into such a short period of time.
Beto began his speech by denouncing the country as racist, as he often does. From the very beginning, Beto told us, America has been an evil nation.
"This is a country that has been defined by foundational, systemic, endemic racism since the very founding of this country," he said. "August 20th of 1619 - the first time that a kidnapped African was brought here against his will and made to serve as a slave to build the greatness and the success and the wealth of this country, which his descendants would never be able to fully participate in."
"This is the reality of the United States of America," Beto continued. "And sooner or later, it was going to find us. It wasn't a matter of if, it was a matter of when."
"What a disgusting country this is," says Beto. And because America is fundamentally immoral, Americans don't deserve the constitutional liberties they've had from the very beginning. President Beto, he said, would create a national gun registry of all firearms in the country, and then use the registry to seize the firearms of law-abiding Americans.
'"This is a country that has produced the leadership that will ensure that we not only have universal background checks and red flag laws and end the sale of those weapons of war but that we go the necessary steps further," Beto said. "As politically difficult as they may be, a gun registry in this country [and] licensing for every American who owns a firearm. And every single one of those AR-15s and AK-47s will be bought back so they're not on our streets, not in our homes, and do not take the lives of our fellow Americans."
This is the most nauseating kind of trust fund politics that Beto just personifies. But really, he was only half-done. That seemed like a lot of insanity to you. But Beto got all of that out of the way in about six minutes.
He went on to explain that America is so evil, so racist, that it is responsible for all of the world's problems. According to Beto, America causes not simply global warming, but also everything bad that makes people leave their countries and come here.
"The violence, the persecution, the droughts caused not by God, nor by Mother Nature, but by you and me, our excesses, our inaction in the face of the facts and the science of climate change that we are producing," he said.
Do trust funds make you decadent and stupid? Beto O'Rourke's existence kind of answers that question, doesn't it? But he's got ideas for us.
"We're going to legalize the presence of more than 10 million in the United States beginning with DREAMers who will never again fear deportation back to a country they do not know because we will make them U.S. citizens in this, their true home country."
Adapted from Tucker Carlson's monologue from "Tucker Carlson Tonight" on Sept. 9, 2019.