Greg Gutfeld: The Left will literally call anything racist as long as it’s not a newspaper

'So just like everything else, pie crust is racist'

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Do you feel like the two political parties don't matter anymore? It seems like now the two competing factions are a malevolent media, and the people they call racists. The media makes it clear who they don't like, and it's half the country. The half that shows their love for their country. Because that means you're a racist rube. Right, Mara?

Mara Gay: I was really disturbed. I saw you know, dozens and dozens of pickup trucks with you know explicative against Joe Biden, trump flags, and in some cases just dozens of American flags. Which is also just disturbing because essentially the message was clear which was this is my country, not your country I own this.

You know who else was disturbed by seeing dozens of American flags? The Nazis at Normandy. But I digress.

The New York Times rushed to her defense, in a tweet -saying she was "irresponsibly taken out of context. Her argument was that Trump and many of his supporters have politicized the American flag. The attacks on her today are ill-informed and grounded in bad-faith."

Ill-informed and grounded in bad faith? That should be the motto for our show. Again - how do you take something out of context - when everyone can hear the full context? Her implication, of course, is that patriotism is political only if it's expressed by someone she doesn’t like. If it were a leftist waving an American flag it would be a different story. Mainly because it would be on fire. 

The thing about Mara: it’s divisive and racist to not agree with her. Even when she can't do the math. You gotta remember this!

Brian Williams & Mara Gay, March 2020: Williams: But you see it as a possibility if he wants to spend a billion bucks beating this guy, he could do it? 

Gay: Absolutely. Somebody tweeted recently that actually with the money he spent he could have given every American a million dollars.

Williams: I got it, lets put it up there. When I read it tonight on social media, it kinda all became clear. Bloomberg spent $500 million on ads. The US population 327 million. Don’t tell us if you are ahead of us on the math. He could have given each American 1 million dollars and had lunch money leftover. It is an incredible way of putting it. 

Gay:  It's an incredible way of putting it. It is true. It is disturbing. It does suggest what we are talking about here and that is there is too much money in politics.

I never get tired of that. I could watch it every day.

That was unfortunate. It's like the lady on the subway said to me last night: "you shouldn't do that in public." Sorry: too much money in politics isn't the problem. It's not enough brains in the media. I mean - who did the math for her - Kat?

Now of course, it's obvious - Bloomberg’s 500 million would only give a million bucks to 500 people. Not a million each to 330 million people -- that would take 330 trillion bucks. When Joe Biden heard that number - he immediately announced a new 330 trillion dollar stimulus plan. Everyone gets a million bucks! President Oprah.

Fact is - it's no surprise the media can't do simple arithmetic. They're so bad with numbers Brian Williams thinks he’s still on at 6. 

So the flag is evil. The pickup truck is evil. What American symbol could be next? God forbid they go after apple pie. That’s as American as a GM factory in China.

But, as if on cue - in the Guardian newspaper, food writer Raj Patel claims apple pie is racist -- for the dessert is linked to "a vast and ongoing genocide of indigenous people." They’d literally call anything racist as long as it’s not a newspaper.

Raj claims that apple pie has deep roots in slavery and colonialism -- based on stolen land, wealth and labor. Which sounds like China right now, LeBron. But also: apple trees are racist too. And Johnny Appleseed? More like Johnny Crapple-seed! He took the trees to mark the frontiers of US expansion, which destroyed indigenous communities. So yeah -- Johnny Appleseed was a bad seed.

But Raj isn't done yet. "Grandma, how do you get your pie crust so flaky?" "Oh, that's an easy one honey. Two parts Crisco one part slave labor."

Yep - Raj says the sugar in the crust was courtesy of the French slave trade. Better throw out those Kamala cookies! I'd say she's the face of colonialism, but as you can see there's no face there.

So just like everything else, pie crust is racist

I wonder how the angry White male feels about that!

Tom Shillue, Angry White Male: You know what, the guy made some good points. I don’t want to make anyone angry. No more apple pie for me. After this piece of course. That’s good. You know what, I don’t know about this—oppression is delicious.

Angry Black male, anything to add?

Tyrus, Angry Black Male: What’s up? So she finds it disturbing that people are driving trucks waving the American flag minding their own business a couple of weeks after Memorial Day? Well, I find it disturbing that they allow people to talk about things and can’t pass basic math. You know what else I find disturbing? Every time I go over to my white friend’s house and take a shower, they never have washcloths. That’s disturbing.

Thank god for cicadas. Did you know that the White House press charter plane scheduled to leave DC last night was delayed by the insect, which had invaded the plane's exterior sections? Something about them being attracted to Jim Acosta’s cologne. The plane was set to leave ahead of Joe Biden’s first trip abroad but was held up for seven hours.

So how did they solve the problem? They called in the one person who could save the day, using only her mouth!

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CNN's Brianna Keilar eating cicadas: Keilar: are you ready? Guest: cheers. Keilar: Actually I am like scared of this. Ok. Berman: oh the crunch. Keilar: Do I have a wing hanging out of my mouth? 

Yep - she’s eaten so many cicadas that when the temperature hits 90 she emits a loud buzz.

Now there's a true American hero! So - for the Fourth of July if you can’t eat apple pie, try the cicadas. Until we find out that's racist too.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the June 9, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"