Gutfeld: According to Biden, you're either on his side or you're an evil racist
Greg Gutfeld slams Joe Biden's Georgia speech for splitting America into two camps, his side or the side of racism.
This is a rush transcript of "Gutfeld!" on January 12, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: It's not good enough. It's just not good enough for the audience. Is it? Is it? Happy Wednesday, America. And what a glorious Wednesday it is. Judge Jeanine is back with us. And yes, a smattering of a applause.
JEANINE PIRRO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: What did you just say?
GUTFELD: I don't know what's happening to my mouth when I'm dressed. I'm dressed like a strip club detective. But you're fresh from being named a permanent host on "THE FIVE."
PIRRO: That means you and I have been together for a long time.
GUTFELD: Yes. I pity -- I pity her fellow panelists. Oh, wait, that's me.
PIRRO: Yes.
GUTFELD: I picked a bad time to quit Xanax. And we welcome a first timer Rod Blagojevich. He's got a mind of a brilliant politician and the hair of a Lego figure. Look at that. He's sexy. All right. Now to the actual news and care. Education secretary Miguel Cardona is facing calls to resign as a national school board -- official claims he solicited the letter comparing protesting parents to domestic terrorists.
You can tell the letter came from the secretary of education because all the spelling mistakes. Thanks, Judge. If you remember the letter, which the board has since apologized for, called for federal action to address hostilities toward school boards as possible domestic terrorism, it's suggested using the Patriot Act against parents. Now that's patriotism arresting a soccer mom for raising her voice at a public meeting.
Yes. Basically it's turned -- concern parents into ISIS and khakis. How long before they start waterboarding the kids to get their parents' Netflix passwords? But that's politics these days. The government is cool with the Taliban tootling around on abandoned Blackhawks. But they put Mr. And Mrs. Johnson on a watch list for asking why kids are segregated by race. The three R's have gone from reading, writing and rithmetic to racism, racism, racism.
Even President Biden's Department of Justice relied on the letter and creating its own memo directly the FBI to investigate threats of violence in order to combat a disturbing trend of harassment of school officials. So we now live in a world where hardened violent criminals are back on the street five minutes after being arrested. But the FBI will kick your door down at dawn with guns drawn if you leave a nasty message on your kids science teachers blackboard.
Right kid, they don't teach science anymore. Basically, Joe weaponize the DOJ to silence people who are making a stink. The school board's tolerate speech like their substitute teachers with a hangover. They want everybody to sit down and shut up and no one learns a thing. Of course, since that letter, things have only gotten worse. Which could be the motto under Joe's official White House portrait.
Witnessed the performance of him yesterday, emphasis on performance, who in Georgia once again split America into two camps. You either on his side, or you're an evil racist. And that's the new stick. Whose side do you want to be on?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I ask every elected official in America. How do you want to be remembered? A consequential moments in history. They present a choice. Do you want to be the side of the sight of Dr. King or George Wallace? Do you want to be the side of John Lewis or Bull Connor? Do you want to be the side of Abraham Lincoln or Jefferson Davis?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Do you want to be on the side of Laverne or Shirley? Ricky or Lucy? How about Haller Oats? Oh, Curly or Shemp. Of course the bad guys. And all these comparisons that Joe made are Democrats that Joe actually once loved. I mean, it's Biden who repeatedly praised Wallace in the past even bragging about being praised by him. I think Biden was his babysitter. But like his phone number and how to get to the Oval Office. He's forgotten all of that.
Just as he's forgotten his praise for former Klan leader Robert Byrd. Apparently, the only White House -- the only white sheets Joe knows are the waterproof ones on his bed. That's unfair. That's unfair, Judge, I can't believe you wrote that. So as usual, the so-called Uniter did nothing but divide casting any critic of his election changes as an attack on democracy. And in this effort to get rid of the filibuster, Joe happily screamed at America like the judge does when any staffer makes eye contact with her.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BIDEN: I'm tired to be quiet. Hear me plainly. The battle for the soul of America is not over. We have no option but to change the Senate rules including getting rid of the filibuster for this. Pass The Freedom To Vote Act. Pass it now. I will defend the right to vote. Our democracy against all enemies. Foreign and yes, domestic.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Yes. Domestic meaning you. Man, I would say that didn't age well, but it's only better day. Joe Biden is aging faster than a dozen deviled eggs in the trunk of my car in August. I mean, listen to this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BIDEN: I did not walk in the shoes of generations of students who walked these grounds. But I walked other grounds, because I'm so damn old. I was there as well. I'm kidding, man. Seems like yesterday, the first time I got arrested.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Oh, do we know what the (BLEEP) he's talking about? No, but that's only because he doesn't know what (BLEEP) he's talking about. But once again, it's just him trying to use falsehoods to divert from the truth. This guy came within a mile of a lie detector would catch on fire and explode, which seems to be a thing in his administration. Here's top official Jill Sanborn answering Ted Cruz's questions about January 6.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JILL SANBORN, EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR NATIONAL SECURITY, FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION: Sorry, I can't -- I can't answer that. I can't answer that, sir. I can't answer that. I'm aware of the individual, sir. I don't have a specific background to him. Sir, I cannot answer that question. Sir, similar to the other answers, I cannot answer that. Not to my knowledge, sir.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Sounds like me when I get pulled over without my pants on. It's amazing they hate the constitution yet they plead the fifth more than a mob rat on the witness stand. So I think we're learning what the presidency is turning out to be. It's a game of us versus them, and we are them in a bad way. And if you speak up about school policy, voting integrity or supporting the police, they'll tear through you like Brian Stelter and a bag of Funyuns.
It wouldn't be something if Joe tried to reason with the people he disagrees with, but instead, he does worse than write them off. He writes them up as white supremacist, bigots, racist, even terrorists. Makes you long for the good old days. I mean, way, way back oh, I don't know, let's say 2019. You know, when the President used to defend rather than condemn Americans
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.
GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. He's our favorite rod after hot and fishing. Former Illinois Governor and host of the podcast Lightning Rod today, Rod Blagojevich. Like a broken courthouse bathroom, she will take crap from criminals. Host of "JUSTICE" and brand new co-hosts of "THE FIVE" Judge Jeanine Pirro. He conquered the anchorage comedy scene now he's ready for the bright lights of gnome. I don't think I've ever said gnome on T.V.
Actor, writer and comedian Jamie Lissow. And she's the one who's calling you about your car's extended warranty. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. Blago, I'm so excited you're here. Right? You're next to a prosecutor and you were prosecuted?
ROD BLAGOJEVICH, FORMER ILLINOIS GOVERNOR: Well, first of all, I want to thank the three people who clap for me. Last time -- last time I heard that was about 13 years ago.
GUTFELD: Yes. Yes, we have -- we have our anti-COVID audience now. So it's just three people who work for me. They're paid -- they're actually paid to clap. If they don't clap they're out of here.
BLAGOJEVICH: Appreciate them. And I'm -- thank you very much for doing that. But I want to thank Judge Jeanine, she was actually very helpful in making it possible for me to get home and of course, President Trump did something that he didn't have to do. He freed a Democratic governor.
GUTFELD: Right.
BLAGOJEVICH: And it did nothing for his politics, but he saw something that was wrong. And he ended it and I'm grateful and so awfully nice to be here with you.
GUTFELD: That's a good point, actually, because he did that for a Democrat. And what this monologue is about is about the inability for anybody on either side to actually work together. And it seems that the Democrats these days are more into the demonization, right? Or am I wrong?
BLAGOJEVICH: Oh, very much. So, you know, when you gone as long as I wasn't, it was 2896 days of sheltering in place in prison.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BLAGOJEVICH: For politics not for crimes, for conversations that were started by President-elect Obama. And I didn't do anything wrong, but either did I. It's a political horse-trading, but they did what they did, I wouldn't give in. I would say what they wanted me to say. And I've come back to a world where so much has changed and what you're talking about the vitriol, the demonization, the dividing the purposeful, divisive politics of my own party.
Not to mention the crazy left-wing faction of the Democratic Party has orphaned me and millions of others. Democrats like me, because I think they pretty much canceled common sense.
GUTFELD: Yes.
(CROSSTALK)
BLAGOJEVICH: And it's scary.
GUTFELD: It's not like you've left the party. It's just that the parties kind of left you until they get like back to normal. Unlike the judge, how are you?
PIRRO: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. He just -- you know what, you tried to say that the, you know, I was someone as a prosecutor that he would hate. And then he told you just the opposite. So take it back.
GUTFELD: Take what back?
PIRRO: Take a look back like you're sitting next to --
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: This is not -- look, just because we're now co-host doesn't mean you can talk to me like this.
PIRRO: Well, I can't talk to you like that because I'm a judge and you're not.
GUTFELD: Oh. Order. Order in the court.
PIRRO: Yes. Let's talk about Joe Biden.
GUTFELD: OK.
PIRRO: What a mess. What a mess. He doesn't know what side he's on. He doesn't know what side he was on yesterday. The truth is he's been on both sides so he can say anything about anything because he's changed on everything.
GUTFELD: Yes.
PIRRO: And that's all I have to say.
GUTFELD: Well, that's great. I like how she always buttons it up. I'm not going to say any more. No follow-up questions. I'm done. That's all I have to say. Jamie, is this sort of demonization happening in Anchorage, Alaska, where you currently live?
JAMIE LISSOW, COMEDIAN: I can't answer that, sir. There was something about that clip. Wasn't that clip in steam when they ran them all together --
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes.
LISSOW: Remember that time my girlfriend got a hold of my phone. They're asking questions. You know what I think is an important thing to take from this story.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: Is you can never send an e-mail without assuming everyone's reading it.
GUTFELD: Right.
LISSOW: You can never again be like, oh, this person was the one that actually -- it's -- you have to -- send every e-mail is if someone's over my shoulder reading it. Honestly. Like even when I get booked for the show I got like Thursday would be great. Hey, Greg is the best, isn't he?
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: Just in case. I'm worried about everything. I don't have -- I even put like a -- I'm worried about everything. I put the sticker over my video.
GUTFELD: And so do I.
LISSOW: You do that? And I'm not -- I'm not -- for real like, I'm not like a porn guy. I just want people watching, I gave up porn. I don't know if I give up porn older in my -- I was watching one once and I was like, you know, what do that poor girl, that somebody's grandmother.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Look at the Judge's --
LISSOW: (INAUDIBLE)
GUTFELD: It's still funny.
LISSOW: I feel like even if it was packed, it would have sounded the same.
GUTFELD: You know, we have to -- we have to take some responsibility, Kat, in like the 50s, the 1950s not the age, Republicans were kind of the demonizes but it was a literal demonization. It was worn out of religion, like you would go to hell if you didn't ascribe to certain moral beliefs. So now the pendulum is swung. And we have this kind of moral crusade in which we're demonizing like where the left is demonized --
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I'm not a Republican. I'm not responsible for anything that happened in the 50s. Because I wasn't there.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: So I don't know where you're going with that, but --
GUTFELD: I wasn't accusing you of anything.
TIMPF: Oh, that's nice. I just think it's -- obviously, Joe Biden says a lot of stuff that's wrong all the time. And he did it so often that people just like kind of don't care, because it's so out there.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: It's not like you even need a fact checker. You seem to have existed in reality for a couple years to know that it's not real.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: But that one's also really harmful, because he's someone who's saying all that, you know, just bumbling mess all the time. And you say but if you don't agree with everything he says, then you're a racist.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: And not only is that wrong, but it's also does real harm to people's lives. People actually who know each other in real life hate each other now, because it's something that's, you know, not based anywhere in reality.
GUTFELD: No, it's actually true because there are also Democrats who also disagree with the Voting Rights bill and stuff like that or certain things. And now they're being lumped into the Bull Connor and the Jefferson Davis. By the way, Biden didn't -- Biden voted to return citizenship to Jefferson Davis. But he doesn't remember any of the stuff.
TIMPF: H's the only one who knows all these people.
GUTFELD: Exactly.
TIMPF: Who knows these people.
PIRRO: Now, that was -- what year was that? I mean, Jefferson Davis? 1863 years of this crazy stuff like that.
GUTFELD: Yes.
PIRRO: No, you didn't know them.
GUTFELD: I didn't, yes. I don't know. I don't know what's going on right now.
PIRRO: Yes.
GUTFELD: I'm so excited though. Up next. Will Hillary give us part three of the comeback no one wants to see?
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Do Libs prefer the Dem who bark like a dog to the fellow who's forever in a fog? Yes. The Dem's best hope will have you in awe. It's the evil grandma from Chappaqua. That is so Dr. Seussian. According to the Wall Street Journal, Hillary Clinton could be making a huge political comeback and run for president a third time in 2024. Yes, Clinton is like COVID, we thought we were done with this. But here comes another strain.
And one of those things are political future bought the farm it's like the old saying, third time's a complete lack of charm. Two Democrat operatives writing in the journal say, "A perfect storm and the Democratic Party is making a once unfathomable scenario plausible, a political comeback for Hillary Clinton in 2024." If Democrats lose control of Congress in 2022, Mrs. Clinton can use the party's loss as a basis to run for president again, enabling her to claim the title of change candidate.
Yes, I agree. Of course, Joe could also run as the change candidate because after his economic blunders, that's all you'll have in your pocket. Change. See what I did there? Play on words.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: Yes, not that good though. The peace spotlights his plunging poll numbers and Kamala's unpopularity, which have created a "leadership vacuum in the party." But you kind of -- got a feel for Old Joe, the body's not even cold and they're already plotting Hillary's return. Joe, what do you think?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Hey, hey, look, look. I don't think about her much. All right? I don't think about her. She's not even in my top five Hillaries that I tend to think about. Number one, Hillary, let's say Hillary Swank, what should I say? Hannah Montana. It's a good movie. I like her. Number two, Hilary Duff. Hilary Duff. Big Girls Don't Cry, right? Good song. They made a musical out of it.
It was actually some of the scenes were based on some of the tough guys I used to run with. I can't -- I've said that before. I'm going to get in trouble. Number three, Hillary -- all right, Hillary Clinton is number three. So she made the top five, but I don't think of her much. When she was vice president, her husband kept having sex with people. All right. I can't say that. Look, on your mark, get set, get out of town.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I don't know what just happened there but -- all right, Blago, if she can have a political comeback, why not you? Huh? Has this made you think? No?
BLAGOJEVICH: Well, about her comeback. Let me just say this. One of the things you get to do that's actually positive in prison is you can catch up on your reading and read a lot of books and some history books. If she runs again, she will be like William Jennings Bryan and Henry Clay, she will lose three times --
GUTFELD: Yes.
BLAGOJEVICH: -- for the presidency, which is what happened to those two guys. You can't imagine she'll win. What she'll do is she will argue that she's the change candidate, and just blatantly lie to the American people without even batting an eye. And that's a lot of -- a lot of these professional politicians are.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BLAGOJEVICH: Good at them.
GUTFELD: You know, and the thing is, it's like, what a rematch if it's -- if Trump runs. Oh, my God, I don't know -- I don't know if we're ready for that, Jamie, what do you think of this? Are you happy that she's -- she might run again? Are you unhappy? Do you have another porn joke you'd like to share?
LISSOW: No, that's the only one I have actually. But I -- don't you almost feel bad for -- of the lack of options?
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: You know what I mean? Tis is like you're starving. And the only thing open is the Waffle House.
GUTFELD: Right. Yes.
LISSOW: And you're like, I'm going to pick something but no matter what, I know, my stomach's going to hurt for the next four years.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: I think Biden was surprised by his -- by his numbers being down. I don't know if you saw that clip, but he -- his approval ratings are now down to family and people that host shows on CNN.
GUTFELD: Yes
LISSOW: And it's not good. He -- yes, I don't know -- I don't know, man. I -- what are they -- how can that be the only -- how can this be their best options?
GUTFELD: I don't know.
LISSOW: How could this be the (INAUDIBLE) and Biden really was confused. He was like, I thought my numbers were through the roof. And they're like, that was your blood pressure. We keep going over this.
GUTFELD: Nice. All right, there.
LISSOW: Let's have a rematch. Let's do it.
GUTFELD: Yes. Let's do it. Let's do it. Kat, what do you think?
TIMPF: What do I think?
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Well, I think that saying that she's the best option. Another way of saying that is there's no good options.
GUTFELD: Right.
TIMPF: Like, there's no change. It's like she's been around forever.
GUTFELD: Right.
TIMPF: And politics. People are like, well, but she's so qualified. She's qualified. I don't think qualifications means the same thing in politics as it does. You know, like, if you're a brain surgeon, probably the more times you do the surgeries, the better you'll be at it.
GUTFELD: Right.
TIMPF: Politics sometimes the more that you're involved in it, the worse you get.
GUTFELD: Well, Biden's a perfect example.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: And you would never hire a brain surgeon like yes, but she was married to that guy brain surgeon. He was --
TIMPF: Probably not.
LISSOW: Right.
GUTFELD: Yes, but do brain surgeons marry? (INAUDIBLE) intermarrying and brain surgeon? I don't know if that's a good analogy, Jamie.
LISSOW: OK.
GILLESPIE: Yes. Maybe go back to the drawing board. Judge. Do you know Hillary?
PIRRO: Wow. I don't know anything that happened in the last 30 seconds. I've nothing. All right. What would you like to ask me?
GUTFELD: Do you -- do you ever deal with Hillary? Do you know Hillary? Have you ever met her?
PIRRO: Oh, sure. I met her -- I met her several times. When they moved to my county I was the D.A. and I had a reputation for going after pedophiles and sex offenders. So I made the dumb --
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: Go to CNN.
PIRRO: Wait a minute. No. So I made -- I made the dumb comment that Bill Clinton should register as a sex offender of who's coming to my county Westchester County where (INAUDIBLE) is. It didn't go over too well with a lot of politicians at the time. But look, she is what she is. She is a woman who was determined to get to the top. I mean, two weeks ago, we were talking about this program that she was doing online where she cries about the speech she had given to her mother if she had become president.
What a mess. And just before that she was in the woods walking around with her dog trying to figure out why she lost.
GUTFELD: Yes.
PIRRO: Every -- it was everybody's fault but her own and now she's back here grinning (INAUDIBLE) again, this woman has no sense of right or wrong. She is the most untrustworthy candidate in American history. She can lie to your face and believe it herself and she lied to everybody. She never had it. She never had a classified e-mail on her -- on her -- on her iPad or on her phone. Are you kidding me?
You're the U.S. Secretary of State. You'd never had a -- you never had anything else.
GUTFELD: So, if she gets the nomination and then Trump goes what (INAUDIBLE) going to be pretty insane.
PIRRO: It is going to be insane. I can't wait.
GUTFELD: Yes.
PIRRO: It will be a -- it will be like a fight. You know you go there and just watch knock each other out every day.
GUTFELD: It's funny though. She always did want to be on top and so did Bill.
PIRRO: I got that.
GUTFELD: Thank you. Where am I? Up next, criminals are showing the revolving door so they can victimize us some more.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Why not commit robbery with a knife? It won't interrupt your social life. Yes, the D.A.'s opposition to incarcerations is increasing our chance of lacerations. Another day, another failure of progressive policies and liberal-run cities. This week in New York, an ex-con who stole more than two grand worth of stuff by threatening a drugstore worker with a knife had his first degree armed robbery charges reduced to misdemeanor petty larceny.
Apparently when career criminal Willie Rolan was confronted by a store clerk, he brandished the knife and said (BLEEP) you. I'm taking everything and walked out. Making an excellent future divorce attorney. But he was got when he came back later that day to rob the same store. So congrats to the store for earning repeat business, I guess. But thanks to new D.A. Alvin Bragg whose policies downgrade serious offenses and keep convicts out of jail.
The knife wielding purpose later released without bail. He may as well rob that business again. Three more felonies and he gets a court ordered foot rub. The judge wanted to lock him up and said thanks to the D.A. his hands were tied, unlike the perps. And that's the message to store clerks everywhere is clear. Your safety doesn't matter.
Meanwhile, Chicago almost 100 people charged with murder aren't in jail, but instead are on home electronic monitoring where they can now murder family members. Home monitoring was created in the 80s to deal with prison overcrowding and wasn't meant for violent offenders but not anymore. Mayor Lori Lightfoot seen here looking shellshock all the time is blaming it on judges following a 2017 reform limiting cash bail. So, at least she's finally coming around to the problem. But with these repeat offenders the justice systems literally a revolving door.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Hey, this guy stole my bag. This guy stole my bag. This guy stole my phone. Could somebody, somebody call -- somebody, this guy stole my phone and my bag. This guy stole me.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: So silly. So, Kat. Where to begin? It's getting crazier and crazier.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes. I remember when -- we were talking not too long ago I was making jokes about you know, like, oh, there's going to be crime tourism, and there's that that's actually happening. I was making jokes about how, you know, these things were joking about they don't seem real, they're really happening. I mean, this D.A., this is actually the toughened-up version.
At first, even crimes, robberies committed with guns, they're supposed to be misdemeanors, and then everyone was like, that's crazy. He said, OK, no guns, other deadly weapons, misdemeanors, but no guns, like this is the toughened-up version. And how is this woman or people supposed to feel safe going to work?
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: People can just stab you? Threaten to stab you?
GUTFELD: Yes, as long as you don't stab the person, it's OK.
TIMPF: Right. Right, yes.
GUTFELD: You can just brandish.
TIMPF: You can just tell them you're going to stab them and steal stuff. The guy went back to the store twice.
GUTFELD: I know, because he got away. Judge, is this a natural progression from kind of like the lefty assumptions that it's criminals who are victims of a society. So, if criminals are viewed as victims of society, then we lose the authority to punish them, and I think that's, isn't that this kind of like, ideology is sprouting from?
JUDGE JEANINE PIRRO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: The ideology sprouts from what is the root cause of crime. It's kind of it's analogous to Kamala Harris going to wherever she went to find out the root causes of immigration, which are really irrelevant. I don't really give a damn why a person commits a crime, the only thing I care about is that he's victimized another human being, and that's all we as a society should care about. But, but I think that these people have their heads not only -- they have their heads in the wrong place, I'll leave it at that. It's not going to change until it affects them.
GUTFELD: Yes.
PIRRO: If they truly believe that the criminal is out there committing crimes, because he or she has no choice because of the pandemic, because as AOC said they're hungry, or because they don't have food and any of that nonsense that they've been portraying, that's just baloney and they know it. All right. But what's going to happen is, it's only when it happens to your kid or your family that somebody is going to care.
Now, the two Congress people, who I believe was Congress, people were carjacked, one at gunpoint and another one. I want to know, and I'm glad, I'm glad I'm thinking of this, I'm going to write a letter and find out what they're going to do about crime. Now, that they've experienced it, do they see it differently? Because the way this is going is we're going to be Venezuela. This is total anarchy and chaos. There is no consequence. No punishment. We're sending political prisoners to prison. We're sending people to prison who don't belong there, and we're letting violent thugs walk toward detriment.
GUTFELD: Yes, that is true. So, I think -- turning into Venezuela would be a step up, especially if you're an anchorage. Jamie, how's the crime in Anchorage?
JAMIE LISSOW, COMEDIAN: You know, it's funny, Greg. I've been on the show probably 30 times I live in Fairbanks. I mean, I'll go to Anchorage and find out for you.
GUTFELD: I always forget you are in Fairbanks.
LISSOW: I live in such a small town that sometimes I have a layover in Anchorage. Judge is so right, it's infuriating. And I was, I was literally thinking if it had been your daughter that was working it at Duane Reade, how would this be -- it's like seeing people as numbers or something.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: Or as a, as a, like a chess piece or something.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: But did you know, it's actually under the new dude and the new rules? It's actually faster to steal something with a knife, get arrested, and then get released from jail. That's faster than waiting in line at Duane Reade, slightly faster.
PIRRO: That's right.
LISSOW: Did you -- so many weird things about the store? He steals $2,000 worth of cold medicine.
GUTFELD: Uh-huh.
LISSOW: Goes back like four hours later, steals another $1,000 worth of cold medicine. The question a lot of people are not asking: how bad is this guy's cold? That is so much medicine. How expensive is that? And then they also said he went -- you know, he went to TJ Maxx earlier that day. Did you see that? And stole a bunch of stuff for real, with a pair of scissors. He was like, true story, same guy before he was arrested. And my only thought to that is like I love -- I do, I love TJ Maxx.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: I love Marshalls.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: But if you're robbing something, you don't have to go a bargain place.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
LISSOW: You're robbing a place.
GUTFELD: It's like, yes. We're not making any savings.
LISSOW: Yes, exactly. And they said it was over $2,000 worth of merchandise. So, when they checked that was retail it was only $25.00 of TJ Maxx.
GUTFELD: Imagine how much you have to carry to get $2000 worth of product. It also says, he stole paper towels, that's the worst thing value-wise.
Could there be a --
GUTFELD: He actually shops. He actually just go shopping and doesn't pay.
LISSOW: Yes.
GUTFELD: That's what it is. So, (INAUDIBLE), you're looking at this up -- you got murdered? What is happening to Chicago, you're you govern the state of Illinois. It's just like be hopeless.
ROD BLAGOJEVICH, FORMER ILLINOIS GOVERNOR: Well, thank you very much for what you just said, Judge. But let me say this. In Chicago, there are 90 people charged with murder who are walking the streets, and no bail.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BLAGOJEVICH: There have been more than a thousand victims of crimes. And 216 of them were killed. But there been only two convictions. And it's because not only is crime out of control, but it's the causes, because the political leaders in Chicago, our mayor, our governor, my party, have taken the position that they're going to declare war on the police. Because of a bad cop here, there.
I believe in bad cops, I had 2896 days in prison because of a bad cop. But I also believe I have a real street cred on this because I live with a lot of those guys when I was gone. And here's what they do. When they the cops away, the mice play. And they have what's called a criminal mind. This is what they do for a living, most there.
And when they feel like the police are on the run, and the politicians don't have the backs of the police, and that they actually are worried about the gangbangers and the organized criminals, they do what they're doing and as a result of that, everybody is not safe. And one last thing I appreciate you saying about the bargain hunter criminally you're talking about, but in Chicago is so bad, they're not bargain hunting anymore.
They're coming to the downtown area, Michigan Avenue, they're grabbing and looting and crashing and all the rest of they're doing. And as a result of that, the whole city is now subject to violence. And everybody hopefully is growing up and waking up, and maybe we'll actually get some results that will protect the public.
GUTFELD: It's amazing. What you're basically saying is like criminals react to incentives, the Democratic Party hasn't, like they don't understand that they are incentivizing criminals and criminals are just doing what criminals do, which is oh, the cops aren't around. I'm going to go to TJ Maxx and get myself some paper towels. In the meantime, I'm not going to Chicago.
PIRRO: And it's a shame, it's great city. A great city. Lived there for three years.
GUTFELD: It's all right. Did you?
PIRRO: Yes.
GUTFELD: I don't care. Coming up, USA Today has to swerve after a story that defended curves. I'm kidding.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Is the left's latest dastardly plan to normalize the creep luring kids into a van. As USA Today looks like a bunch of losers for a tweet that excused abusers. Yes, one of their articles is taking major heat for arguing that pedophiles are misunderstood. It's part of a bold editorial strategy to alienate their last eight subscribers.
The piece titled: "What the public keeps getting wrong about pedophilia," features researchers seeking to make a distinction between attraction to minors and child sexual abuse. Well, thanks for clearing that up you sanctimonious sickos.
Something tells me that the public's getting a lot more right on this than you cretins. A quote from the article goes like this: "Not all people who sexually abused children are pedophiles." Well, how is that? Some pedophiles never abused children, experts say, and some people who sexually abused children do not sexually prefer them. What?
Sounds like these scientists are running PR for the pedophile lobby. After an outcry, they deleted their Twitter thread of the article and change the title of their Web site to the complicated research behind pedophilia. But I'm sorry this isn't complicated. Pedophilia isn't a disorder. It isn't a social ill or a personality quirk. No more than a rapist is someone who has trouble making friends.
And the more time we spend pontificating on terminology, the more we normalize the most vile behavior on the planet. Thankfully, USA Today was destroyed for appearing to de-stigmatize pedophiles. Imagined the only people who defended the paper, were probably CNN producers. I did that whole segment.
ANNOUNCER: "PERIOD."
GUTFELD: I just did that whole segment. Just the bash CNN. Jamie, I'm going to you first because this is a difficult topic and I want to see you squirm. What do you make of USA Today?
LISSOW: Well, the silver lining is what you just said, which is the outcry and not letting them get away with it. Which you don't see all the time.
GUTFELD: That's true.
LISSOW: So, that was the part that I liked. It was like, hey, you can't try to pull -- this is insane. It was infuriating to read that thing. And I had trouble -- I don't know if you guys do, you have to be really careful when, when they go like hey, we're this is the story we're talking about today.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: And Gutfeld is going to be really careful with that Google history.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: And you got to make sure to type the words in the correct order because the USA Today article by mistake I typed "pedophile today, USA," and it's the same as typing pedophiles near me. So, yes, that's all that's all I got. But I thought it was cool to see on Twitter.
GUTFELD: People get pissed off.
LISSOW: It's cool people getting pissed off.
GUTFELD: Yes. So, maybe, there is hope for civilization, Blago. You know, it's that weird desire to champion tolerance, now is -- now we're just redefining the worst behavior as some kind of a condition like it's asthma or something. Oh, he's got pedophilia, he just needs treatment. I don't know how they treat them. How do they treat them? I don't know.
BLAGOJEVICH: Here again, it's the cancelation of common sense, right? I mean, these sciences, on this I don't think we should follow the science.
GUTFELD: Yes, right.
BLAGOJEVICH: Yes, these, these are elitists who live in the midst of theory. They don't have practical experience in the troubling part of it is they're more concerned about political correctness than public safety.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BLAGOJEVICH: Now, when it impacts our children. He's right to be pissed off. You say that on the show, I see what you're saying these, right?
GUTFELD: Sometimes I'll swear.
BLAGOJEVICH: Yes, well -- well, anyway, so it's, it's frightening, very, very real and it's and these people have those views. And hopefully, as you say, the American people are rising up disgusted with the blatant ridiculous position that some of these people are taking.
GUTFELD: Yes, you know, Kat. Is this that another just kind of reveals that USA Today has outlived its usefulness when it's doing these hideously bad takes on Twitter?
TIMPF: Yes, because this is not useful, like -- like, I'm not a mother OK just full disclosure to acknowledge that.
GUTFELD: You do that every day. You always have to say that.
TIMPF: Because, because I have such a motherly vibe.
GUTFELD: Yes, you do.
TIMPF: People always think she must have five kids, and she's on her way to go bake them cookies from scratch.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: I just scream that, you know, with my presence. But I feel like if I were a mother, and someone said, listen, like, I just want to molest your kid. I'm not going to.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: I wouldn't be like, what an important difference. Like, why don't you, why don't you come over for dinner? I mean, like, everything going on in the world and all the problems we have, pedophiles feeling misunderstood, not even on my life.
GUTFELD: Exactly. This is taking energy from somewhere else, that maybe these idiots.
TIMPF: I don't understand.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: And I don't want to.
GUTFELD: I don't need to know this yet.
TIMPF: This is not something I needed to read, Judge. But again, it's -- you kind of said it before, we're flipping the script on criminality, right?
PIRRO: You know, I, I've spent my career prosecuting pedophiles, and I've dealt with the children and the victims. And you know, I love laughing about certain craziness. But here's the bottom line: pedophiles are smart, they are cunning. They're going to access your children, wherever your kids are, they're going to target a kid who is alone, who doesn't have a father or who's from a poor family who can't afford something.
They're going to groom that kid; they're going to have a relationship with that kid. And then they're going to molest the kid and they're going to say to the kid, you're not going to say a word. Because I'm going to, you know, kill your mother, father, and the kid doesn't want to because the kid has mixed loyalties. This is an insidious, it is a -- it's a sick, it's an animalistic predator, pedophiles.
GUTFELD: Right.
PIRRO: I don't care if they want to say they're normal. They're not normal. They're animals. Pedophiles are animals. And I believe in castration for all pedophiles because it's an urge that they cannot overcome, that they physically cannot change. And don't tell me about any medication, because every pedophile that I've sent to take the medication goes off the medication, because they want to molest your kids. And I don't want to go through the loop again.
GUTFELD: There you go. Strong.
BLAGOJEVICH: Can I say something about that?
GUTFELD: Sure.
BLAGOJEVICH: Well done, Judge, by the way. But let me say this, there's also their network. They, they know each other, they work together, they compare notes.
GUTFELD: Right?
BLAGOJEVICH: And here again, I had that misfortune all those years. I live with some of those sons of bitches.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BLAGOJEVICH: there were hundreds of them, or they put me for the first 32 months, and they're unrepentant reprobates who feel like they've been victimized. They are beyond, as she suggests being reformed or corrected. And we have a responsibility to protect our children.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BLAGOJEVICH: And the idea again, is that they would have that position is - -
GUTFELD: Yes.
BLAGOJEVICH: -- mind boggling.
GUTFELD: Yes. To make it into a lifestyle choice. Crazy.
BLAGOJEVICH: Yes.
GUTFELD: This was a very thoughtful segment, even with Jamie's disgusting humor. All right, up next, the best cities around to walk your hound.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Which cities made the cut for best place to walk your mutts? Something called LawnStarter.com, pervert, ranked the best dog walking cities in 2022 based on a range of factors such as access to dog parks and dog-friendly trails. The top two were Portland in San Francisco. This makes no sense. Proving that needing to dodge piles of human poop was not taken into consideration in drafting the rankings. In San Fran, dogs carried little plastic bags for the people. Excuse me, I almost burped.
Coming in at number six, was Los Angeles where Lady Gaga is French Bulldogs were stolen at gunpoint on a walk. And it's French Bulldogs, they surrendered without a fight. That's cheap.
Number seven, was New York City where owners routinely have to steer their dogs away from stepping on hypodermic needles, which raises the key question: who wrote this list? A cat. You have dogs?
PIRRO: Three standard poodle.
GUTFELD: Yes.
PIRRO: OK. I never walk them.
GUTFELD: No?
PIRRO: No, they go outside and they poop behind --
TIMPF: Oh, yard.
GUTFELD: You got a big yard, though.
PIRRO: A brick wall.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: I don't have a yard.
PIRRO: They don't poop on the front, they poop behind the brick wall.
GUTFELD: Same here. I do the same thing.
PIRRO: When you come to my house.
GUTFELD: Yes.
PIRRO: I'll show you where to go.
GUTFELD: I poop right by the tree. Usually, I'm sitting in the tree watching you sleep. And then I come down and they poop in your yard.
LISSOW: Not to brag but I paid a little bit extra for a premium poodle.
GUTFELD: The premium poodle. You don't have a pet, do you?
LISSOW: No, I lost most of my dogs in the divorce. I really did. I did. You lose half of everything. Dude. She took all the punchlines. I was left with setups. It was a tough. Do you know what did not make the list?
GUTFELD: What?
LISSOW: Of best place to walk your dog -- Fairbanks, Alaska.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: It did make the list of, top of the list to best place to walk your dog if you're sick of owning a dog.
PIRRO: Where's that, a cliff?
LISSOW: It's freezing, outside Alaska. It's 30 blows there all week. So, not a great place.
GUTFELD: Yes, it's because it's cold, Judge. Freezing the dog.
PIRRO: I got it.
GUTFELD: Yes, it was like an otter pup. Where am I? Blago, save me, do you have dogs?
BLAGOJEVICH: Yes, two dogs: Skills and Twix.
GUTFELD: Oh, nice. Twix.
BLAGOJEVICH: Pardon me?
PIRRO: What kind?
BLAGOJEVICH: Oh, one's a little toy poodle, and the other one's sort of a mixture that we bought at a shelter for abandoned dogs.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BLAGOJEVICH: One was post-arrest dog and the other one was a daddy's going to prison dog. I want to ease the pain for our children. I say this in jest, but that's how we they came into our lives and they're fantastic. And I love them like crazy.
GUTFELD: Dad's going to jail, here's a puppy. And the kids are like miraculous they just buy right into it. Let's forget about dad, let's play with the dog.
BLAGOJEVICH: If we had a third dog named Snickers that means Trump wouldn't have come to my sense.
GUTFELD: What do you think of this list? You walk your dog and I won't say where, because then you'll have your, your slew of fans following you around.
TIMPF: That's true. I have so many fans. Sometimes it's hard but I still appreciate you guys.
GUTFELD: That's sincere.
TIMPF: I walk my job sometimes.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: You know, not so much when it's cold. But he doesn't want to be out there either when it's cold.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: But it's bad like it's -- we found a -- in New York number seven we found one of those little needle caps in his poop one time.
GUTFELD: Oh, really?
TIMPF: Because we were watching them for two seconds not the actual needle but like the little orange caps that are littered about.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Yes, it's disgusting. But you reminded me of yards, I got to give me one of those.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Because you don't got to walk them, you just open the door --
PIRRO: Yes, we have those five kids. You need a yard.
TIMPF: Yes, that's true. I can throw them out there too.
GUTFELD: I think the flaw of this is they didn't ask the dogs.
TIMPF: It's true.
GUTFELD: That's, you know, there you go. I think we should end on that.
TIMPF: Yard.
GUTFELD: Yards.
TIMPF: Got to be great.
GUTFELD: I think we should. We should end the segment? I think so too.
TIMPF: I think we're done here.
GUTFELD: You were done, aren't we?
PIRRO: You have a dog?
GUTFELD: No, do I?
TIMPF: Wait.
PIRRO: How could you not know?
TIMPF: Are you OK?
GUTFELD: I had a rough night.
LISSOW: We know who else to ask.
PIRRO: Yes.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: But anyway, enough of that. Don't go away, we'll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Where are you going to be, Jamie, performing next?
LISSOW: The improv in West Palm this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with Rob Schneider. For more details you can go to RobSchneidersFriend.com.
GUTFELD: There you go. He's not joking. Great show. Thanks Governor Rod Blagojevich, that was awesome, please come back. Judge Jeanine, Jamie, Kat Timpf. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with evil Shannon Bream is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld, I love you America.
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