By Jessica Sager
Published April 14, 2019
"Saturday Night Live" had a doozy of a cold open this week, skewering the arrest of Julian Assange, Michael Avenatti, Lori Loughlin and her alleged role in the college admissions scandal and even MSNBC's coverage of the Mueller report and Russia investigation.
Parodying an episode of MSNBC's "Lockup," the segment opened with the introduction, "Now that the Mueller report turned out to be a big fat zero, we're back to prison shows."
After three violent inmates introduced themselves to one another and recounted their crimes, Kate McKinnon strolled over as 54-year-old Loughlin, quipping, "Oh yeah? You think that's insane? I paid $500,000 to get my daughter into USC."
Sporting Loughlin's signature side part and glasses, she added, "You heard me. I paid $500,000 to a women's crew coach to say my daughter was good at rowing. I'm loco ... that's not including the $300,000 I blew on tuition."
She also bragged, "I own the guards in here. I helped their kids get into a really competitive pre-K."
When Keenan Thompson's character told her she wouldn't last a year in prison, she replied, “You think prison is hard? I’ve done 68 Hallmark movies. I’ve seen hell, man. And in half those Hallmark movies I married Santa’s son, so I’ve lost all sense of reality.”
Then Pete Davidson's Avenatti entered, telling his fellow inmates he's committed “crimes you can’t even conceive of, like blackmailing a sneaker company and stealing taxes from a coffee shop to fund a race car team. And I’m so shady that a porn star once said she had to distance herself from me.”
Michael Keaton guested as WikiLeaks founder Assange, who was arrested by U.K. police Friday after Ecuador gave up his asylum, asserting he was the craziest one in the cell.
“That’s right it’s me. I’m the architect of anarchy; I’m the king of chaos; I’m the scourge of the cleaning staff at the Ecuadorian Embassy,” he said.
“That’s right it’s me. I’m the architect of anarchy; I’m the king of chaos; I’m the scourge of the cleaning staff at the Ecuadorian Embassy,” he said, adding that he's a “James Bond supervillain” and “one step away from destroying the g– damn moon.”
In the conclusion of the segment, Melissa Villasenor as Tekashi 6ix9ine bragged that she's in the slammer for "robbery and gun stuff."